Nan

When I moved to Tennessee, I came to work for my friend Lee. His main employee Nancy was battling breast cancer and was very unwell. The intent wasn't to replace her but for me to come along and help out, they did mention they were concerned because Nan and I had very different personalities from their knowledge and they weren't sure we would get along.

From the very first moment I met her, I liked Nan. It isn't hard for me to find something in common with someone, very rarely do I not get along with someone. Nancy was an intellectual, feminist, atheist, with a strong sarcastic wit and sharp tongue. She was a perfectionist, driven, often upset at other people's ineptitude, laziness and apathy in life.The odds weren't in her favor from a young age, she lost both of her parents to cancer before she was an adult. Battling cancer and dealing with some tough personal issues, she was in a dark place, she was angry and pissed off at the circumstances she was in and she let you know it.

We quickly struck a friendship up finding commonalities in our lives. We loved the same kind of music often talking about the hey day of New wave and going to concerts as girls. She was a writer, well educated, well traveled, versed in the ways of life. She lived many years in New England buying and selling mid century modern antiques and loving all things Sci-Fi. Her ring tone was that of the Tardis landing. She loved hearing that my family (minus myself) had started watching Doctor Who, she was a big fan of the Doctor especially David Tennant.

We both were mothers with the same views on raising children and expecting a lot of them. Raising young men who we are training to respect women. Teaching them to take responsbility for their actions and lives. My last day working with her was spent with her and her son, I loved watching her with him. It was almost surprising because she was a liberal in many ways but very conservative with her son and what she expected of him. I will never forget that last day with her, Jules and Conner.

Women empowering and supporting other women was something we were both passionate about. Respecting each other instead of tearing each other down and finding a common ground instead of disrespecting our own sex by acting like children. We both were raised with similar views on this subject and talked about it daily as we worked.

I am of the belief that everyone comes into your life for a reason, a season and a purpose. I believe that one of the reasons I ended up here was to know Nan and learn from her. It was my pleasure to be able to hug her on rough days, let her cry on my shoulder when she was scared and listen to her problems. She liked that I understood catastrophic illness and did not say trite things to her. I geniunely understood what it is like to be facing the unknown and major health issues.It gave her hope to know Marty and I had survived major illness and lived to tell the tale.  Being able to support her in her trials was a blessing that I will never forget.  The days we worked together were really special albeit brief.

In the short time I knew Nan, I learned a lot from her. She became an older sister of sorts, someone I could talk to about anything and get an extremely honest opinion. She valued truth highly as do I, she would tell me exactly what she thought of something making no excuses or apologies for her opinions. She was who she was nobody was going to change that.

Sometimes someone is only in your life a brief time but leave a large footprint behind. They leave your physical presence but live on in your mind and heart forever. Very fitting today on the day of the Doctor, I said goodbye to Nan. She lost her valiant battle with breast cancer earlier this month leaving behind her young son Jules. Tonight listening to his words about his mother, her ex's husbands words and her sisters words confirmed that even though I knew her only briefly, that I did indeed know her fully.

Pray for her young son Jules, he has a long life to live without his mother.

for me, she brought a brightly colored view into my world and helped change and inspire me in many ways. Tonight I am grateful that I can say, I knew Nan and was her friend. Goodbye Nan, sleep well my friend.

Tonight at the service her family shared songs that reminded them of her. I will always think of Nan when I hear Howard Jones. She loved telling me the story of how she met him in her college days and he touched her hand when singing. She often lamented she was backstage and asked if she was with the band but her friend said they weren't and blew their cover!

Goodbye Kitty Boo Boo, My Dear Friend

Two years ago, I read a story on a fiction site I frequently read at. The story was set in the San Francisco bay area, Menlo Park to be specific. I had recently been living at Stanford with Marty after his transplant in the Menlo Park area. I started messaging back and forth with the author Just4ALE on the site. We quickly struck up a friendship.

We moved that friendship over to Twitter. As you see, there is a running theme with me and Twitter. Five years ago this month, my friend Di asked me to "follow" her on Twitter. We were in some of the first 500,000 users on the site. Then I met T in Boston via Twitter and she introduced me to these writers. Being a reader, I love having free stories to read all the time. I started talking to people who read the stories and joined their community.

Fast forward to meeting ALE and the story above. We started tweeting back and forth. I loved when she would share pictures of her dogs, when she would tweet pictures of her fabulous dinners at five star restaurants and her love of 70's classic rock. I am convinced she knew every 70's rock title by heart.

She and I both loved the same kind of stories. I read through her entire favorite list and loved every single one. She was always having something kind to say, never said a bad word about anyone. She was like a big sister to me often mentoring and encouraging me. She would often tell me I was beautiful, she loved when I had my picture with a smile on Twitter. She would tell me she liked the smiles.

Last fall, she got sick. At first it seemed like the flu but it quickly went south. She was diagnosed with Ovarian cancer. She was young and healthy, it just didn't seem possible. ALE was a very private person, who didn't like attention drawn to herself. For a long time, I didn't even know her real name which I later learned was hidden in her handle.

She blessed a group of us with allowing us in and sharing her journey with us via email. Often the emails would start with song titles describing how she was feeling at the time. For the past 11 months, I have been blessed to be on the journey with ALE praying for her and supporting her from afar via email. Last Christmas she gifted us with something from Life is Good. She wore a Life is Good t-shirt almost everyday and wanted us to have something. I got a brown backpack that I use for my swimming and biking.

She was one of the people to deem me a Pollyanna. She would often say that when I would email her positive thoughts about kicking this cancer to the curb. I changed my bi-line for her a few months back. She was a faithful reader of my blog.

This summer, I tried to meet up with her while we were at Sea World but alas that week began hell for her. It wasn't meant to be, we had talked on the phone but never got the chance to meet in person. In September, she confirmed what I think many of us didn't want confirmed. We all hoped and prayed for a miracle but it wasn't meant to be.

ALE often asked us to pray that she would find a "soft place to land" a line from a poem she had shared with us last year. As this last month wore on and things got worse, we all prayed she would find her soft place.

On my birthday, she tweeted me to wish me Happy birthday. She was so selfless like that. We had once read a silly story where the main character called the other character "Kitty Boo Boo" and I had taken to calling her that as her nickname ( everyone knows I love to nickname people) so she started calling me Boo Boo Kitty. She wished me a happy birthday using that name. It turned out to be one of her very last tweets.

ALE taught me grace, humility, outlook, positivity, kindness, generousity, peace, love and joy.She handle this  disease with so much class. She stayed quiet, many didn't even know. She fought so hard all the way to the very end. I learned so much from her. After she emailed to tell us that she wouldn't find her cure, I wrote her back and told her all of those things. I am thankful to have had the chance to tell her just what she meant to me. I told her that I would live everyday the rest of my life for her and live with no regrets.

This past summer, I lived without abandon and she saw that. In many ways, I had already started living for her too. I was reading my email replies to her last night, sometimes they were short and didn't say much after I started working again and traveling. I know that she knew these things and it was okay, she was happy for me.

I am so grateful to have known ALE even for a short time. She made a difference in the lives of so many and she will be greatly missed. Goodbye my Kitty Boo Boo, rest softly.

Thank you Roberta for giving me permission to write this blog. To Mary, Michelle, Dream,Perry for being there for me and letting me talk it out while respecting ALE's privacy. Also thank you to E.L. James for comforting me last week, it meant the world to me and your story that was shared was comforting.

The Greatest Concert

A mom and a daughter sitting in front of me getting breath mints out of a purse in Sunday School. A hand stuck through the chair to ask for one. My friend giggles and says, " Mom, Julie wants one too"

Glances are exchanged, we all giggle like little girls. Sunday school goes on, I have somewhere to be and I have to leave early. A tap on the shoulder, my friend glances back and smiles. We wave a silent goodbye. Who would have known it was goodbye for now? Five days later she was gone to be with the Lord.

This past year, it really hit me she was gone. She was alive when the transplant process started so when it ended, it really brought home she was gone.

Last week I was driving around listening to the radio with the kids. I heard a song that reminded me of her and her love for the Newsboys. It suddenly hit me that she is at the greatest concert ever and I am really happy for her. 

My friends Sam and Stacy will understand this part. I always think of it like one big "Festival Con Dios" day for eternity. Whenever I think of her, I think of the beautiful day we all spent together worshipping the Lord and I can't wait until we all are together again.

It's been a privilege to be able to walk alongside her mom and sister in law during this time. What a privilege to pray for them and support them. So often, people forget and move on. Time heals for others but never for a family's heart. This is a little something from me to Val today to show her, I haven't forgotten, I won't forget and I am always here.

Often, this Superchick song makes me think of Tami's story and its a lesson for all of us. Love your family, love your friends, life is very short.

" We live, We love, We forgiving and never give up. For the days we are living are gifts from above, today we remember to live and to love." We Love- Superchick

Brevity of life

Carrie lost her baby last week, she went for her first appointment and they couldn't find a heartbeat. She was 8 weeks pregnant, the very same time I lost my baby in my second pregnancy. I think it is strange that we both would lose a baby at the same exact time in both of our second pregnancy's. I talked with her for a long time today and shared my heart with her about my loss and told her to let herself feel the loss because I put mine away. She listened and talked back, we ended up talking for over a half hour. I told her I loved her at the end and she just paused and said " Okay, I will talk to you later." maybe someday she will be able to say it back......hard to tell. I thought Blake being born on my anniversary would bring us together but it didn't. Her new fiance even has the same birthday as Conner. Who knows, I remember the promise given to me and trust that someday it will happen.

"I forgot it was even Valentines day"

I woke up this morning anxious and worried about the accident and what will happen since I have never been through this before. I have worried all day about a couple hunks of metal and who will be at fault, insurance and all that. Nothing anyone said could make me feel better and I have worked myself into a tizzy. I felt better this afternoon after talking with a acquaintance about things and she shed some light on my situation through her own accident a year ago.

I had called my friend R falling apart this morning and asked her to pray for me. My conditioned response is everything will go wrong and nothing will be found in my favor because it has never happened that way. She called this afternoon and I thought she was calling to check on me and she told me she had news that our longtime friend had been in a wreck. She was headed to the hospital with her friend who is best friends with the person. I went outside with Conner to see the shuttle and came in to Marty telling me to sit down. I started yelling " No, No,NO not that" and he said "Yes, R just called and she didn't make it through surgery"

A friend for 10 yrs who I just sat behind in bible study on Sunday, A wife, A mom of 4 and a grandma. Her youngest is only 6 months younger than Conner. Our kids have grown up together and we had playdates, she went to Haiti on a mission with Marty and played on the worship team with him. We are devastated at the loss and I just don't understand why the world I know is crumbling around me. I have stayed strong until today and I think I have finally broke...l don't see the purpose in this yet and how I will grow from it in the long run.