MTTMB Series: The House That Built Me

The Music that Takes Me Back Series started as a way to work through my PTSD surrounding my birthday. This year, I found myself not needing to write as many of these and actually finally at peace about my birthday. For the first time since 9/11/01, I looked forward to my birthday once again.

Today is the day, I choose to affirm life, embrace life and celebrate life. As a person who lives to serve others, this is the day that my tank gets filled back up with love from others. Spurs me on to give what I receive.

The last blog in the series has been brewing for awhile but haven't had time to post it.

The House that Built Me
By Miranda Lambert




Today is the day, I wish that I could walk in this door, call out to Grandma and Gramps, walk around the corner to see them sitting at their little table in the kitchen. Then we could move to the big table so more people could come sit and chat.

A house built around love, friends and family. A tiny 3 bedroom track home that had one bathroom shared at times by over twenty people! A house that raised five children, fourteen grandchildren and three great grandchildren before it was sold.

A house that on Friday nights ten little girls laid on the floor watching TGIF eating Little Ceasar's pizza, falling asleep on pallets made of afghans while listening to the ticking of the Regulator clock. Waking up on Saturday morning, where Grandma would let us walk to the store to buy breakfast and we could buy junk, which she indulged us in. 

A house that held wedding parties, anniversary parties, bridal showers, baby showers,holidays and countless birthday parties all around a large oval table in the dining room. '' Around the table memories are made'' is a sign hanging in my house. It is so I can remember all the memories made around this table.

A house with a big pool in the backyard where little girls and boys played Mc Donald's drive thru in the spa. Where friends came and gathered around the patio while we opened birthday presents at summer birthday parties.

A bed were all the babies took naps surrounded by pillows in Grandma's room or where we went to lay with her as she watched tv in the afternoons. A bed that I now sleep in every night.

Two large custom built picnic tables that seated
the entire family during summer dinners, Thanksgivings and for parents to sit and watch the kids in the pool. It was a house teeming with life,family and love. Friends were always welcome, just walk in the door and say hello.







A house that we said goodbye to Grandma and Grandpa eight weeks apart and later that year said goodbye to the house itself. Can an inanimate object be grieved, absolutely it can. We all drive by and wish we could go in and sit for a spell. The House that Built Me








A block down, a house with the same layout, that raised a small family of three kids. The house I stayed in Monday thru Friday. Where I ate breakfast at a small table in the kitchen in naugahyde bucket chairs. Where I slept curled up in my Gramie's back after my Kankad died, running my feet across cool sheets. The house I spent sick days from school in and learned to roller skate in the front driveway. A sidewalk I rode my bike up and down endlessly. A house that I can still call home, that I can still walk into and see my little brass soldier and ballerina sitting in the window above the sink.

A house that saw much grief and sadness, death and turmoil. A house where on the front porch one of the worst moments of my life happened.

A house with a beautiful, prize rose garden lined the front walk overflowing in the summer months. The back yard with its large orange tree with oranges falling to the ground. The first address and phone number I knew by heart.


The home I still can go to and walk into the past. Another house that built me.

If you come to stay with us, you will experience the effects of those homes. How I keep house, How I host guests, the welcoming nature of opening your doors to friends.

 Thankful for the homes the built me.

The Princess and I

About a year ago, I made a edit to my code on the blog and messed up my archives. I can't link you to this old post, so I will borrow some of the text to mark the date. This is from an original blog titled ''The Queen'' my review of the movie starring Helen Mirren based on the death of Princess Diana. Everyone knows of my obsession, if you don't then you really don't know me but I will tell you a bit of my story in this piece. Where was I when Princess Diana died:

It all started when I was five and my older sister got me up at 3 am to watch the wedding of Charles and Di. All little girls dream of being a princess and watching that wedding with all of the flowers,silk,tulle and diamonds I was enthralled. A real life fairy-tale and I never read another fairy-tale again. I would beg my parents to buy me Princess Di books and magazines. At one point, I had every book written on Princess Diana. For a period of two years, I would cut out the picture of the Princess Di bride doll every time my Gramie got a new Good Housekeeping or Enquirer. I knew every member of the Royal family before I knew all the presidents or states.

 I got a cabbage patch and a new book on Princess Di the same Christmas in 1984 and which one do you think I still have? My favorite birthday present of all time? When I was nine I was informed I was getting something big , bigger than a breadbox and smaller than a horse. My two grandmothers got together and bought me the Princess Di Bride Doll by the Danbury mint. I was shocked and amazed as I pulled her out of her box , smelled the lace and tulle and saw the "real'' cubic zirconia tiara! I put her back in the box and up in the closet awaiting a special case for her. She is so big she doesn't fit a standard doll case plus she has a 5 foot train and veil that make her even bigger. I would take her down and look at her every once in awhile but in the box she remained and eventually moved to my Gramie's for safe keeping.

Fast forward to 1997.. I am married and pregnant with my first child and the Princess Diana fairytale is long gone. I am adult and have seen my fantasy of Diana collapse into reality. The Sotheby's auction was that summer and I was hoping to get the auction book which was autographed. Marty's dad had passed away and I inherited his Grandma's china cabinet. So we drove over to Gram's to bring the doll home and display her for the first time. I go into the closet and drag out the black trash bag containing the box. I decide to take a peak and check her out and Marty was laughing at me.

 My Gram comes into the room and says "You better come see the news on the television. It's Diana she has been in an accident" all of the sudden fantasy and reality collided. It was real she was in Paris and there has been a wreck. I grabbed the doll went home to watch the events unfold.

I had a answering machine full of messages as I get home with people calling to tell me the news. My dad called to ask me if I had heard the news? As we were talking and he says " did you just see that?" and I said "no" and he says "She is gone".  My Dad delivered the news to me, my childhood idol was gone.

 I am a hysterical mess over someone I didn't know. I guess for me it was the same as it was for many when Elvis died or Kennedy died. I had people calling me for days offering their condolences and people at work doing the same. I wanted to go to LA to the embassy to sign the condolence book but Marty couldn't go and I was too pregnant to go alone. So my friend/co-worker Catt went with me to LA to sign the book a truly kind gesture. Days later,I once again got up at 3 am to watch the funeral and this time cried so hard from grief and sadness mixed with anger.

It's been 17 years ago today, I miss her, wonder what she would have become? People still give me Princess Diana books, when the royal wedding came along I received gifts from around the world. Princess Di still lives in my closet. She made a brief appearance in decor for William's wedding. Really can't wait for Harry to get married, I have all kinds of fun things to put up.In fact, I saw my paper cups my friend Jan gave me and thought with a sigh, ''Can't wait until Harry gets married.'' I plan on dragging my friend Andrea to London for that, we should have gone last time!

 Time has passed by so quickly just taking a moment to stop and remember....

Gramie

February 1984, sitting in a dark den on Kibbee street on my Gramie's lap with the soft glow the television being the only light in the room. Sitting in a big over sized white armchair that belonged to my Kankad in the room that had been converted to a den of sorts. We sat watching together Scott Hamilton win the Olympic gold that night. I can still see it in my head, later in our pajama's I would snuggle up to her back in her big king sized bed.

me snuggled up next to Gramie while she holds Carrie

Gramie was the best friend of my youth, she called me her shadow. Widowed in January 1981, she leaned on me heavily and I leaned back, she was a stability in my life. Often I would chose to stay the night at her house, she would sleep with the hall light on and I would snuggle up on the clean pressed sheets next to her, safe and sound. The next morning, I would get up and she would make me eggs of any kind, pancakes and sausage, orange juice before driving me to school in her big brown Cadillac. ( just like the one the Dad on the new ABC show the Goldbergs drives)

Matching shirts even!

She took me to Kansas with her for a whole month in the summer of 1985 to see her mom. Her name was Muriel which in their Kansas accent was ''Merle''. Growing up in Pittsburg, Kansas in a very humble home, raised with mid-western principles and goodness. Many don't know but I went to school saying, ''warsh'' instead of wash.

She worked only one job in her life getting paid .25 cents an hour to pay for her wedding dress. She loved my Kankad until death they did part and beyond, she lived 22 years past his death and never got over it.

HA! Gram's paddle. Like she would ever spank us! She spoiled us almost to the extent it was NOT okay!

Mother of four, grandmother of five, great grandmother of five before her death. She lived for her family and being a mom and grandmother. She took care of all five of her grandchildren on a daily basis for many years carting us all back and forth to school daily.


She wore a beehive hairdo for most of my youth, we spent many a weekday in the Gilded Cage with her hairdresser Debbie get her hair sprayed to perfection. She liked country music, clogging, dancing, traveling, smoking. She smelled of Doublemint gum and Avon's Intrigue. She spent much of her adult life battling her weight and was a Weight Watcher lifetime member.

Reading the National Enquirer and Good Housekeeping was an art. She watched her ''shows'' aka as soaps every afternoon for my entire life. She indulged me, buying me lots of books on the Royal family, dresses with puffed sleeves and books galore.

In the grocery store checkout line, she could gab anyones ear off, stranger or not! I remember cringing at her as she talked to strangers. So embarrassing! she would talk for hours and hours to anyone that would listen! She was definitely midwest friendly never truly becoming a Californian. She just lived there, she was Kansas through and through.

She often lamented she was the black sheep of her family having very strained relations with her brothers. They never were fond of her because their father spoiled his little girl and made them work hard. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldnt fix relations. She was extremely sensitive, often getting her feelings hurt by others and not reacting very well.

Yep, if you wonder where I got a lot of my personality...now you know. I truly am and was her shadow. We would chat for hours about ice skating, we loved watching it together keeping up on our favorites and watching every special. We were both particulary fond of Michelle Kwan.

When Conner was born, she baby sat him for me while I worked. They had a bond just like she and I did, he was her little shadow. Her Caddy sat in the driveway, she could no longer drive and was on oxygen full time. He gave her purpose in her housebound days, I often wondered why he wouldn't sleep at night?? because she held him all day long just loving her last baby. He was bow legged at one because she held him so much. It was sad day when I ripped him away and moved him away from her, she never really got over that.

She was however very excited that Conner and Elizabeth were both left handed like her. She always wanted a left handed grandchild. Instead she got two left handed great grandchildren.

Nanny and Conner

Nanny and Conner. Gramie and our family Christmas 2002, she passed away just a few months later

 As well as teaching me how to starch and press Marty's police academy uniforms, one of her last things on earth was to watch my kids for a weekend. They had so much fun with her and she enjoyed it so much. She was gone a month or so later leaving a huge hole in my life. 

The day of her death was one of the strongest spiritual experiences of my life. One so personal, I have shared it with very few in my life.

The winter of 2004, twenty years after watching Scott Hamilton skate for his Olympic Gold. I sat on the couch bawling like a baby watching Michelle Kwan skate and not achieve her dream. I felt so robbed for her and for me, I really wished Gramie was there to watch with me and be heartbroken again for our favorite. I stopped watching ice skating, it was just too painful to watch without her.

Yesterday I changed the channel after football and there was an ice skating program on. I got so excited seeing all of our favorites from the days of old skating with their kids. It was so comforting and made me smile, of course the urge to pick up the phone was there but the overwhelming flood of memories were good and happy. I may just start watching ice skating again on a regular basis!

Christmas day would've been her birthday. She really hated having a Christmas day birthday, she often felt lost in the shuffle. Today I wanted to give her a day of her own and celebrate all she was and is in my life. I wear her engagement ring on my right hand every single day. She lives inside of me and on through me in my mothering, being a wife and a large part in my personality.Conner and Elizabeth cringe when I talk to strangers in public about their clothes, I fight a fight to keep my emotions in check and at a healthy place( something she never mastered), I have the same relationship with my siblings,  short like her and fight the weight battle as well. I am her shadow still and always will be.

O' Tannebaum

Last night on Twitter, I was talking to my friends Deb and Skip about Christmas trees ( hey Deb, hey Skip) and lamenting that my living room this year is very small. That means I will have to get a small tree since my other tree is just too big for this house. Skip said, '' you could always go minimalist.'' to which I answered, ''I cannot, repeat cannot go minimalist'' he said, '' you may reassess when the kids get older.''

No, that will never happen and I told him that I would explain why. So I am going to share why, I was raised in a family where the Christmas tree is a revered, most sacred object! My Grandma was of German descent so ornaments were precious treasures and a certain kind will only do.

My favorite family Christmas picture

I remember after Thanksgiving, on the weekends Grandma would start her hunt for the perfect tree. I loved going with her and Grandpa to look for a tree. She would make him hold up the tree and spin it around, it had to be a Noble fir with no holes and just right. We would go from lot to lot to lot to lot looking for the perfect tree. One year, in the midst of her search, I found a Charlie Brown tree and begged to have it. She bought it for me and let me decorate it with candy. I named it ''Spunk'' because it was a spunky little tree.

In our house,we would get the same kind of tree and decorate it with our precious ornaments. I always remember thinking that my Aunt Nette didn't have the right kind of tree ever since she bought Shasta firs and they were bushy.

Yes, I am a Christmas tree snob from a long line of Christmas tree snobs.

We love blown glass ornaments, brightly colored glass balls and crystal ornaments. My aunts all have beautiful large trees with beautiful ornaments. My cousins Rissa and Sarah have beautiful trees, we love a good Christmas ornament and tree.

Then I met Marty, his family had a three foot tree they sat on a table. I couldn't imagine such a thing!! It was cute but..........a tree must be at least six feet tall!

The next year when I lived with his family, I was sure to remedy that! We had a giant seven foot tree with the full aray of the Timms family ornaments on display. It was the last Christmas his family had together and really special.

I remember the first time Marty went looking for trees with me. He wanted to send me back where I came from! He didn't think holding up trees was fun at all! He didn't see why we couldn't get a little spunky tree that fit on a table.

However, the next year he did buy me some really cute ornaments that I still hang on the tree to this day. Now that is a big deal because I am an ornament snob too. You know that scene in ''A Christmas Story'' where the husband accuses the wife of breaking the Leg Lamp. Marty accuses me of breaking an ornament that he loved and had since he was little. I just put his ornaments on the back of the tree.

Then there is the issue with the kids, they have given up trying to decorate the tree. They know that I will just move the ornaments when they go to bed. I have tried to stop that behavior and did pretty good last year with not moving them back.

My tree is special, it has ornaments from Marty's family, our family, some of my grandparents ornaments that my Dad gave me that were his growing up, my kids ornaments and our family ornaments. It doesn't have a theme, I don't put a fancy ribbon, garland or bows on my tree. It is just special ornaments from special times gone by.

I like them dripping with ornaments. Tree 2010

The blown glass pickle just like Grandma had that is hidden in the tree on Christmas day. The family then hunts for the pickle and whoever wins gets candy and good luck for the year. It is my favorite ornament to give away.

Eventually Grandma did get an artificial tree

The Gold Standard of Christmas trees. My Grandma's last tree and last Christmas. I love that I took this picture and have it to look at

My favorite ornaments are spun glass icicles that I inherited from Marty's grandma. They are the last thing I put on the tree and some dear friends have given me more over the years. I love looking at all the ornaments and will sit for hours doing just that during the holidays. Right now, I am in a panic, I fear opening my ornament bins because surely some have broken in the move. I cannot bear the thought of which ones those might be.

I did let Marty have a little table tree one year. Conner 1999

Did I mention I am banned from buying ornaments? the kids get a new one each year but I cannot.( of course, if people GIVE me ornaments, I cannot turn them down) I have too many and need a bigger tree or five. During my conversation with Skip and Deb, I mentioned that when we buy our house next year, I am solely looking for a living room big enough to have a twelve foot tree. They thought I was joking, I was not...dead serious.

Today I was dreaming of this tree in Costco. It looks like a Noble fir and the lights can go clear or colored. My dream come true! I will have this tree someday

Really I love the tree because it was something instilled in me from a young age. Christmas meant spending time with family, eating good food, being together and being happy. Who wouldn't want to relive those memories again and again? and make new memories to go along with those.

So there you have it Skip, the story behind why I will never downsize my tree. It's tradition to love the tree and obsess over it.

My Grandma called Conner moon face because of this favorite ornament of her's. I bought Conner his own above.

( we go back and forth between real and artificial trees. This year will be real, artificial is preferred because they hold more weight)

MTTMB: And the First Becomes the Last

Time has arrived to wind this series down, I added a couple songs and extended the series unintentionally. Inspiring and Empowered women to be shared and enough talking about myself (ha!) for a few weeks. I've only briefly shared about these two songs before and wanted to write about them for the series.

When I was a little girl, my Dad rocked me to sleep every night in our white rocking chair. He would hold us tightly and sing two songs, after telling us the story of ''Orangeylocks and the Three Purple Bears'' his version of Goldilocks. Every night, it was the same three songs over and over, the standard ''Rock-a-bye Baby'' and then two of his favorites.

The first song was only a few bars, or so I remember. My aunts always say, ''the girls fell asleep out of self defense'' so he may have sang more and I don't remember because I quickly fell asleep. The first bar is always in my head, ''I hear the whipporwhills whispering above, Tammy, Tammy, Tammy's in love'' he would sing the theme song from ''Tammy'' to us every night.




I never watched the Tammy movies until a few years ago.I finally found them on TMC and stayed up all night watching them all. I love those movies but moreso I love the song because it reminds me of being rocked to sleep every night.

The signature rocking song was one that I am sure he grew up hearing as well. My Gramps had a love of Gene Autry, he was his hero and he loved all things associated with Gene. So this song reminds me of both Dad and Gramps. Everynight this was the sign off song, if I didn't fall asleep to Tammy, this was the song I heard. ''From this valley they say you're going, I will miss your bright eyes and sweet smile''

It was such an important song, it is the song he danced with my sister Carrie to at her first wedding. There wasn't a dry eye in the room including Dad's because he had no clue she had picked that song to dance to. It was a wonderful moment that we will remember forever.

"But remember the Red River Valley and the cowboy who loved you so true''



So as I have now put you all to sleep, I hope you've enjoyed the trip down memory lane with me and learning more about my life. This series is something I look forward to all year long and is truly something that has helped me overcome my pre-birthday anxiety. Looking forward to the second installment in the inspiring women series on the 28th.

The Little Voices in My Head

I may be weird,silly and a little nuts but I am not that crazy! These are the voices in my head:

 A few months ago, when we moved into this house in the middle of winter; I was walking around on the wood floors with no socks on. My feet were cold, suddenly I could just hear my Grandma saying, '' Put some socks on those feet. You''ll catch a cold.'' Not literally, it was just years of her repeating that sentiment that somehow, it finally sunk in!

Funny how years after she's gone, that little voice remains in my head. We never realize how much we'll miss those little things until they're gone. As the years go on, moving farther away from when they were alive, I miss my grandmothers so much, sometimes it takes my breath away. It does take much to make me miss them, a song, a scent, hearing someone talk about a soap opera one or the other watched.

A few weeks ago, I was talking with my kids about my Gramie and how she smelled of Avon Intrigue, Doublemint gum and cigarette smoke. To many that sounds disgusting but to me it was heavenly. I was recalling that scent from memory. A week later, a man walked into my job smelling like Doublemint and cigarette smoke. It took everything I had to keep my composure and not start bawling on the spot. It was amazing on one hand and so heart wrenching on the other hand.

As I moved away from home and family, I thought a lot about my Grandma Brown. She did the same thing many years before leaving her family in Wisconsin for love in California. She raised her family away from her own family and created her own life with my Gramps. I knew she would've been the first to encourage me to go and take a chance.

I hear my Gramie when I iron shirts, she taught me how to starch when Marty was going through the police academy. It was the very last lesson she taught me as she died before he graduated. I can hear her telling me how to iron the crease and put just the right amount of starch.


They are the little voices in my head as I walk this journey of mothering and being a wife. They were two of my best friends in the entire world and my heroes. I love that even though they're both gone, they live on through lessons learned and lessons taught.

As Mother's day approached, I just needed to write this out and remember them in some way. It's been 10 years since Gramie has been gone and seven years since Grandma has been gone. I still get jealous when I hear other people talk about seeing their grandparents, I still miss them just as much as the day they died and maybe more. Not sure I will ever be ready to let go. So thankful for their voices that live on in my head.

Around the Table Memories are Made

Today I was moving a rug from under a table, a simple task that brought back a flood of memories. Sitting around the table was and is a huge deal in my family. A visit to family means sitting at the table, talking, reminiscing  playing games and laughter. If you ever visited my grandparents house, chances are you sat at their table and chatted. If not, let me take you on a journey 'round the table where memories were made.


It started even before I was born, here is my dad at the table of some family occasion;

My Grandpa,KanKad and Gramie ( paternal and maternal grandparents, they were good friends) celebrating a birthday around the table. My Grandparents were friends and did a lot together

My first birthday at my Grandma's table with Grandma looking on. This was the ONLY time we were every allowed on Grandma's table. One of her sayings was ''Tables are for glasses, not for little @@@es''

Sitting on my Grandma's lap at her table

Playing under Grandma's table was a favorite of my cousin's and I. We would lift the tablecloth, crawl under and imagine our own little worlds. We played casino with poker chips, post office, grocery store for hours on end. Once, I had the bright idea that we should move Grandma's table and the rug under it to play ice rink on the wood floors. I will NEVER forget the wrath of grandma after that incident, lets just say we didn't ever do that again.

My grandparents had five tables in their home. One in the kitchen where you often found grandma and grandpa sitting during the day. One in the living room where we sat as kids and watched MTV. The dining room table that was the buffet on holidays, the place we sat and sang Christmas carols and oldies, the place we played Trivial Pursuit and Encore. 

Grandma and Grandpa round the table celebrating their 40th birthday

Birthday's round the table were a favorite of mine. Here I am celebrating my 16th birthday at the picnic table outback. We had two large picnic tables at Grandma and Grandpa's that were used year round.

 This next picture was my 18th birthday. Three months later, I would sit in the very same seat shaking like a leaf as I announced my engagement to Marty. I remember staring at the lace tablecloth scared of the reaction that would come.

The same table would later hold the food for my bridal shower followed a year and a half later by a baby shower for me.

Our family would later plan care for my grandparents round the table, then the table held food for two funerals eight weeks apart. We would cry and reminisce at the table for months to come. Then the table moved to my aunt's house where it now hosts holidays, family dinners and most importantly this

Baby Drew playing under Grandma's table

This weekend when our family visited my uncle Bill's house, we sat around his table playing games, eating, talking and laughing. Making memories around the table to reminisce about for years to come. A couple of years ago, I asked a friend to make a sign for me. Above my table when you come to visit, there will be a sign that says, "Around the Table Memories are Made''

Come visit, we will make some memories around my table just like the memories I have from many years sitting around my grandmother's table.