The Strange World of Estrangement

Estrangement, I have heard that word before and never thought in my life it would apply to me. My Gramie was estranged from her brothers, I thought that was so weird. Never would that happen to me, that wasn't my family. Even in the midst of divorce, I never thought divorce would affect my sister and I.

 My sister and I were born two years apart. I really don't remember my life without her, we were playmates along with our cousins Brianne, Sarah and Rissa. We all were inseparable, spending all of our time together at our grandparents house, each others houses, the mall and for my sister and one cousin, their mutual friends houses.

I considered my sister one of my best friends. We fought and were very different people, she was neat and tidy, I was messy. She was tough and I was emotional. Really opposite people but somehow we had some common ground.

Every weekend, our Dad would drive us into LA and we would go from concert to concert together seeing our favorite bands. We held parties at our house together and spent weekends at our grandparents with our cousins. She eventually moved in with my Dad and grandparents, I remember crying for days on end. I was in high school and had a life at mom's that I didn't want to leave.  That is when things really started to change between us.

Things started rapidly declining around 1995, it was silly little things and somehow my sister became very angry with me. I to this day really don't know what I did or why things changed? they just did.

For fifteen years, I begged, pleaded, wrote letters and in the words of Marty ''puppy dogged'' after my sister trying to ''fix'' our relationship. She would come to visit our other sister and be around the corner from my house without a word. She would make that 300 mile trip to see my sister and never tell me. I would go for a walk with my kids to see her car at our other sisters house. Neither of them would tell me. I wish that feeling upon nobody.

I would get upset and say something to just be ignored. Nobody could help or would help, it just was a vicious cycle that kept turning.

In 2004, I made the choice to disconnect my life from my older sister. After years of verbal abuse, I could take no more and it was very unhealthy. I always tell people, I didn't want my kids to think that was normal or okay, I grew up with it but they didn't have to. Best decision I ever made.

As for my younger sister, I kept trying. I went to counseling to deal with my insecurity and emotional issues. I changed and was different but nothing mattered.

My long suffering cousins would listen to me over and over. Crying phone calls time and time again after being shot down for trying. Those girls were there for me, they couldn't fix it and were caught in the middle for the longest time.

Then one day, our entire family was cut off even the other girls. There were hurt feelings and anger, a situation cropped up and the estrangement now encompassed one side of our family, Dad and all. Nobody can fix it, we can't make the change to make someone want to be a part. We just aren't that kind of family but nobody knows what to do. A couple of us have tried to no avail.

I will say, after trying to be allowed to be an aunt, I gave up but had a small chance to make a connection with my nephew a couple of years back. I have been able to talk with my nephew and niece on the phone a few times, see them in person a few times and let me tell you, it is thrilling everytime!

When Marty was sick, something came up and I finally let go. No more chasing, no more trying, I would just walk away and leave her be. I care it with me, a pain unfathomable to most.

Thankfully my sisters of the heart and my sister cousins have helped heal that hole. They love me, support me, listen and do fun things with me. I am so grateful for their role in my life.

I will never give up hope. I pray always and in 2005, I had a sign that their was hope and I cling to that hope that someday things will be healed.

Its tough, I really never imagined things would be this way. I cannot fix it, I cannot change it, I am completely at the mercy of her wishes. I recently read a blog by Ann Voskamp about the heart and estrangement, in the blog she said she would change things in a heartbeat. That is me, in a heartbeat, I would open my life to my sister again.

For me, I move forward. I will say my heart is whole, there is that dark pain but it is what makes me love others fiercely and with unwavering dedication. I smother my sisters of the heart, though sometimes they have to deal with my issues. I fear abandonment, I always fear they will give up on me as easily as blood did, it can be tough for them. I am working on that issue and others, my heart is a scarred place but the scars make me, who I am.

Last year, my friend Mary challenged me to be vulnerable on my blog. This is a part of my life that is no secret but I really never put the details out there. I always want to be careful of what I say or put out there, it is a tenuous situation. This week, after I learned something, I decided to just put it out there. Today is my sisters birthday, I miss her, I wish that we were close but we aren't and that is something I have surrendered to. I love her, I never stopped loving her and never will but that isn't enough sometimes.

Estrangement is a dirty word with ugly meaning. I accept it as part of my life and finally have surrendered to being honest about it. It's not my choice, I cannot change it, I can accept it and keep moving forward.

Maybe by sharing, it will help someone else dealing with the same issue. I always want to portray an honest look at my life, warts and all. Maybe it will help those who have wonderful siblings to love them more and appreciate what they have, you're really lucky. I know many are curious about this and hesitate to ask me, so I wanted to share to answer questions and let people know, its okay to ask me.

A deep dark shame covered my heart for many years. I felt ashamed and like a failure, I didn't want people to know. Finally one day, I really don't remember how or why? I realized that I had nothing to be ashamed of, this isn't my fault and I have tried all I could. Now instead, I accept it, I am open about it and hope my honesty will help someone else.

Happy Birthday Cousin Series: Happy Birthday Bri-Annie

Oh Brianne, I really cannot imagine my life without you. My oldest friend and first cousin, I was only two years old when Brianne was born and I don't remember a day without her. Brianne is the epitome of joy, she is always wanting her family to be happy and smiling. She is truly one that hates that we all grew up and aren't kids anymore.

Julie, Brianne being Brianne, Carrie

We always have had fun together and I have so many wonderful memories with Brianne. We spent nearly everyday together from her birth to age 21 when I moved away. We know each others friends, we know each others secrets, habits and personalities inside and out. Truly she is one of my sisters of the heart or "sister cousins" as I like to call them.

My favorite all time Bri-Annie picture. She always wants us to be smiling and happy

Brianne is a great sister

Brianne has been a rock for me in many a hard time. I truly credit her for helping me through some of my most difficult times in life. She has listened to my struggles in one situation for over 17 years now and really the one who has helped me overcome the heartache.

We are known as the talkers. Believe me, Brianne talks more than I do! We would often go to sleep hearing Brianne talk and wake up at 5 a.m. to Brianne talking until we woke up. "Brianne, be quiet and let us sleep" was a common saying at sleepovers.

There is the famous Thanksgiving eating contest lets just say that I won and Brianne lost. She hates when I bring it up. I still laugh to this day about the whole thing. 

Brianne Elizabeth and Elizabeth matching

Brianne, Jen Fitz,Rissa,Elizabeth and I

My kids love Brianne, especially Conner. I can always tell when he is on the phone with Brianne because he is screaming at the top of his lungs. Those two are peas in a pod and so loud together. In fact, it was him that started calling her "B-Annie" because he couldn't say Brianne. Our family called her "Briannie" but Conner called her "B-Annie" and we both call her that now. She always takes the kids on adventures and is truly like a aunt to them. They love her dearly and so does Marty. Even though Marty is too quiet for Brianne and never talks enough to her for her liking.

When I talk to Brianne she often likes to tell me " Julie, you're so weird" and laugh at me when I tell her about things in my life. It's okay if you think I am weird, I already know thanks to Brianne's constant repetition of that fact. It's funny and always makes me laugh.

I love this picture of Conner, Brianne and Alex

Celebrating a birthday together

Yet another birthday with Brianne by my side

We've celebrated over thirty years of birthday's together. I think we are going to stop counting soon! We have shared a wonderful, special life together. Truly we have a special unique bond as cousins that many have envied over the years. Brianne is truly one of the biggest parts of my life and if you're my friend long enough you will learn that.

B-Annie, I cannot imagine life without you and I am so thankful for your love and support throughout the years. You mean the world to me and I wish you the very happiest of birthday's. Love, Julie

A/N One special thing about Brianne's birthday is that she shared a birthday with our Grandma. I think it is truly a comfort to be able to still call someone on this day. We miss Grandma dearly everyday and that longing only grows as the years go on. Happy birthday Grandma, your sixth birthday in heaven. I will eat a piece of Hershey's today in her honor.

The Easter Weekend Blessing

A few weeks ago, sister of the heart Andrea told me she needed me. She was racing her second half marathon in a the span of two months and wanted me to come watch. I immediately told her no because I had no plans to travel to So.Cal and it was Easter weekend. Then I remembered back to several occasions over the past few years where I desperately wanted to come to things she invited me to and couldn't because of Marty's health. During that time Marty had promised us both that when the next occasion arose and he was well, I could go. Little did I know what blessings would await because she asked me to do this. In the end, I was the one blessed by this trip.

 I messaged her back later and told her, "Okay, I am coming" and called my family to tell them I would be there for Easter. It was a tough decision because this is most likely our last Easter in California and at our church. So I was waffling for that reason alone. Last weekend as I raced my triathlon, I realized how nice it would be to have a friend at the finish cheering me on. If I hadn't run the tri, I may have thought about doing the race with her.

Fast forward, After watching my friend Heidi's son on Friday, we left town at 5:30 and got there at 10pm. I quickly tried to get to sleep for my three a.m. wake up call. I arrived at Andrea's house at 4 a.m. and found a very nervous Andrea. Immediately the effort was worth it. Seeing her cross the finish line was truly a wonderful moment, probably the best ever in our friendship. As we drove home, a joy came over my heart and I thought, "This is what true sisterhood is like. These are the kinds of things sisters do together." then I got to go spend some time with her family at her house. It was truly a blessed day, a day that made my heart full of joy. Later as I ate a late lunch with Marty, I told him, " I am so glad I came. I am the one who ended up blessed. My heart is overfilled because I got to have a day with my sister. Something that is special and just for us." I had also gotten to spend time with my SoH Heather earlier in the week at the park. So I was feeling very renewed and refreshed already, so twice in one week was icing on the cake.

I stopped by my high school friend Jenni's house to see her and her Mom Irma. Irma recently had a heart attack and I wanted to see them both. It was nice to catch up and see another sister of the heart.


Later that night, I went to my cousin Marissa's house for a BBQ. Rissa recently became a mom and this was the first time I was able to see her baby Drew. What a wonderful moment to sit and hold my cousin's baby. I held her for close to two hours straight, just looking her over and snuggling. My cousin's are my first sisters of the heart, they are my lifelong best friends and everyone knows they mean the world to me. I was able to spend time with family and catch up. Doubly blessed!

I had made plans with my Mom to go watch cycling and have breakfast on Easter morning at the crack of dawn. That way we could have a few hours together before my other family had their celebration. We sat ate a wonderful breakfast and watched cycling. I had forgotten that my ex-brother in law lives with my mom and that my nephew Blake may be there. So when Blake emerged from the bedroom and did a double take at me, my heart just burst. He ran up to me, climbed on my lap, put his head on my shoulder and was crying. We were both so overjoyed to see each other and I was crying too. I sat and rubbed his back as he told me he loved and missed me. It's the kind of moment you want to remember forever. So special and moving, I really can't describe the emotion. I told him the story about his birth and how I asked God to let him be born on my anniversary. It was fun to share that with him and not have to wonder anymore if he even knew who I am?

Later in the day, I got to go spend time with my cousins, aunts and uncles at my Aunt Maggie's house. We played games and laughed together. It was a beautiful weekend and such a amazing blessing for me. I am grateful to Andrea for asking me, little did she know the impact it would have. I am grateful to Marty for enduring running around all weekend non stop.

I often feel a deep sense of shame about my relationships with my blood sisters. It's a deep hurt that I carry and work very hard to overcome. It's something I have no control over and that will more than likely never change. Something I talked at length about on the car ride home from Saturday's race when Andrea asked if I would see my real sisters. I even had mentioned how it hurt I never got to see my nieces and nephews. I may not be able to change things but God has blessed me beyond measure and shown me reality. I am so blessed and have more sisters of the heart who are my real sisters. What a joy to experience that this weekend. I came home so uplifted and overjoyed, its a amazing feeling.

Sisters of the heart

I have had this blog in my head for quite sometime now. It's a very emotional subject for me and something very dear to me. I have two sisters of my own, but sadly we aren't close. Some of that is by choice on my part and some of that is out of my control. I wish things were different, but they aren't and I can't really change that. I have tried and failed. It takes two to change things and if one party is unwilling, it leaves the other with tough choices. I worked for years to change things and couldn't without enabling myself to be treated badly.

Last year during a particularly sad point, God reminded me of the great blessing I do have; I have many sisters of the heart. They might not be blood related, from the same parents but they are sisters none the less. They are people who love me for me and I love them for them. I often use the term and I know people wonder what I mean by that. So that's my definition right there.

My cousins are a few, they are more like sisters to me than cousins. They have filled the void left and have known me my whole life. We grew up together and share much of the same upbringing. I am so thankful for them and the role they play in our lives.

My Dad and Marty joke, I have so many friends they can hardly keep up anymore. It's true, I have a ton of friends and I am so lucky. I feel so much joy at being blessed many times over in the friend department.   Some people don't even have twenty friends and I have about twenty close friends.

A few of my friends have become sisters of the heart. They don't have sisters or don't have sisters they are close to, some have sisters and still include me in the bunch. They are the one's I turn to in times of crisis or in times of joy. I am so thankful for them and their role in my life. It was them who helped heal the scar and fill the void in my life. It took years but I have finally gotten to a good place in this area.

I am thankful for them and love to be there for them in return. Just something that I wanted to write down and explain to those who wonder about the meaning.