I can't think of a title

So life is moving on and last week during school Conner informed me he was stressed out about Grandma and Grandpa(or Poppa as they called him) dying. So I decided to take this week off for spring break and relax. It has been nice and busy,busy everyday. Seeing alot of friends who teach or have kids in school that we never get to see has been fun all around. Last night, Elizabeth came down with a reader that I have been trying to get her to read and starts just reading it to me. This after she cried through five words of it last week. So we called her grandma and read to her and then she looks at me and says" I wish I could call Poppa and read to him. He would be so proud of me." Knife in heart and the semi scab has been ripped off again! So we called her Grandpa to read to him and she says to him" I wish Grandma and Grandpa could hear me read they would like that." Salt in the wound and I hear his scab rip open. That is alot coming from her because she never shows emotion or feeling about things like that( She isnt like anyone in the family is she:) I wont mention names here insert your own) Anyways, life goes on and on but the healing is day by day. Trying to figure it out............................

Life goes on

Or does it? I know it does but at this moment, I think the grief is starting to happen. I went down for the funeral and it was really nice. At first it was surreal because it seemed just like Grandma's and I kept thinking did this really happen? is this real? I knew it was but I couldnt get my head around it. Then at the burial they found out the urns wouldnt fit together in the niche they bought and this really disturbing scene took place of the guy trying to fit them in togethter while juggling the urns. Now I know Grandma and Grandpa arent in those urns,just their remains but still very weird. Then we went back to the house and it was like the same as last time. Then Jen our friend who is Irish got out her guitar and sang and we sang it just made the whole thing so wonderful. Grandpa loved to sing and it really made it so special and different for him. Then the fun began and boy did we have fun! We got a family picture as the family is now and only two people were missing. Now we will have to start life after death and process what really just happened. I stayed at their house one night at it was hard. When you walk up to the house you first think OK, their in there. Then you walk in and their not, I found myself wanting to scream at one point when it was just Elizabeth and I in the house. I wanted to yell "Grandma, Gramps you here?" but I knew they werent there any more. I couldnt sit still I just kept wandering around like I was looking for something and couldn't find it.  I figured out later the "it" was them and they were gone. The house just permeates with them everything is about them and the memories just are everywhere. I will be sad when the house is gone and we cant go there anymore. It was a place of solice for everyone where for one minute life was great and time stopped.
So much to say and so hard to get it all out.......

Peace and Sadness

Grandpa died today two months exactly to the day that Grandma died. He went to be with his girl and that is all he wanted. I am so happy to have had such wonderful grandparents and the chance to say those things to them and to say goodbye. But now we are on our own as a family and life will never be the same. Peace to you grandpa I am happy you are with your girl now. I will miss you always, Julie

YEAH!!!Cheer!!!Cheer!!!

I have been married 10 yrs today. I can't believe that time has gone by so fast and that it is already here and we have survived. It actually has been pretty easy and fun. I love you Marty more than ever! Happy 10th Anniversary!

Groundhog day

I was so looking forward to 2006. 10 yrs of marriage and turning 30 was a exciting prospect for me. Then before the year even started it turned into a bad year before it began. Ok,with that said life lately has been one day repeating itself over and over. I kept saying it has only been a month since Grandma got sick and it has been three months now. Then I keep saying it has only been a month since she died and it has almost been two. I went to see Grandpa when I got into town last week and he said," I havent seen you in six weeks" I replied, " No, it's only been four" then it hit me he was right. So anyways my mom had surgery last week so I went to good ol' Whittier to take care of her and it went well. Then my dad had to go the hospital because he wasnt feeling well and is probably on his way to heart attack number two. Then Grandpa went back to ICU and then they decided to bring him home on hospice. I know what your thinking... She must be making all this up... I really wish I was and wish this drama weren't reality. I hope I wake up and it has all been a really long dream. With all this vented I must say that I am so fortunate to have had wonderful Grandparents who I spent much time with, the chance to say goodbye to all three of them and to know them well. Before I left to come home, I went to the hospital to see Gramps. I knew, I was going to say goodbye and everytime I say goodbye, it could be forever. He was laying in the hospital bed and looked so peaceful. I went up and ran my hand through his beautiful white hair, he has the most beautiful white hair. He smiled and we chatted for a minute. Brianne made him laugh and was joking with him. As I left, I kissed him on the forehead, told him," Thank you for everything you have done for me." he looked at me, smiled and said, "You're welcome." Authors note* ( he passed away six days after this blog was written, eight weeks to the day that my grandma died.") These truly were my last words to him.

Sometimes things never change

It is hard when you want things to change and you try your hardest and they don't. I know you can't change people and that everyone has a free will. But when you tell someone they are hurting you and they still do what you ask them not to it is hard. Especially when it is family and you want to have things be at least functional and relationships working. When it is a parent doing these things it is even harder to grasp especially being a parent myself. I can't imagine not caring and trying when I have a child that is hurting. Sometimes you just have to keep walking away and build your own life with your own family and make a change for the future. blah,blah,blah, I can't even put my feelings into words and frankly probably should be careful of what I say since this is mostly public. I dont want to cause more drama for myself.

Video killed the radio star

Remember that 80's song??

So we got satellite radio and I am loving it:) there is a station called 1st wave that plays all new wave all the time. But payback has finally happened!

As some of you well know I was a holy terror childl! My parents told me someday I would see!

My first child was a handful and somedays I wondered if I would survive. The next was a handful in a different way but my parents still wonder how I got my sister's child:)

Well, today payback came in a very unsuspecting form. We usually all listen to the same radio station and it is usually KLuv or Kduv. But when we bought the satelitte radio both kids immediately saw that it had a radio Disney channel. Now that is all the want to listen to all the time:) Now giving up TV has not been hard for me and they watch Disney channel every chance they get. BUT the radio and my music OH, the humanity!

Radio Disney is teenie bop at it's best. Pre=packaged pop goodness all singing remakes of some song.

As I was pondering this I thought of my mom who listened to Kevin and Bean every morning while driving me to school. All those years of listening to KROQ and Morrissey and The Cure and the Smiths. I am sure she wanted to be listening to the KOST the whole time! Then I thought of my Dad and his loving gesture of taking me to New Kids and sitting through the concert with thousands of screaming girls and how he listened to KISS fm with me during that time.

Payback has happened and my kids are getting older! The sacrifices are getting harder but it is worth it to see them enjoying something they love.