The End of the Endless Summer

It's August 1st, it has been a long hiatus from blogging as I have started my new career path here in Tennessee. My plans to write my book while on my break have been waylaid by life being overwhelmingly busy with the processes of starting again here in Tennessee. Traditionally August is about music, blogging and celebrating life so I decided time to write again about our life and the happenings here in Vol country.


Sometimes we hide what is going on instead of being honest with others outside our inner circle. I have found being truthfully honest as an open book works better. People come to you, they share with you willingly because you can understand life isn't easy all the time.

This summer I have put in over 200 hrs at work, this has been a huge blessing and really kind of exciting for me. For seven wonderful years, I was a stay at home mom whose husband worked 80 plus hours a week supporting me and the kids as he faced major health issues. There were times he barely made it to work, passing out and being rushed to the hospital with blood pressures over 200/100 while waiting for his transplant.

I was raised in a family of working women, I watched my grandma take her nap on the floor each day during One Life To Live, fix her hair and go off to work the swing shift. My aunts Maggie, Patty and Jeanette all went to work and worked hard for their families. My mom has worked since I was fairly young, first as a pre-school teacher and then in her current role for the last 27 years. My grandpa's worked, and my Dad is the hardest worker anyone knows even technically working on his days off to help others. I was raised to be a hard worker, I know no other way. I never dreamed about being a stay at home mom until I had two kids and they needed me. I always knew, it was for me to work.

Marty and I moved to Tennessee for many reasons, we felt called here and without a doubt it was for me to have the current job I have. It is the perfect fit for me, helping others who are in a role that I have spent years in myself. I am really good at what I do daily and this is the job for me.

Marty has a job where he is off for the summer with no pay. So my job this summer was to work as much overtime as possible to try to fill in the gap. Moving took our entire savings until he got a job and we have been slowly re-building this past year. Marty looked for a summer job but in the south, things don't move quickly and his summer job started this week.....he goes back to school on Monday!

Marty has a lot of faith in God's provision and it has been truly amazing for all of us to see God working it out. We have made it through and our bills have been paid, we have eaten and still lived fairly normally with a few small edits to the normal budget ie. no vacations or grand eating out adventures, no shopping for non necessities etc.

Why am I sharing what most people hide? because sometimes people need to hear the real truths in peoples lives. Sometimes they need to know they aren't alone in struggling. I had a wise young man tell me,'' when people see the ''perfect'' family they aren't seeing the whole picture.''

Summer was so fun, my mom, aunt, uncle  came to visit. We went to Dollywood, traveled to see some of our Cherokee history and just enjoyed being a family together. It was so nice to see my aunt and uncle, who I hadn't seen in a few years. It was nice to have my mom here and see family.

We also traveled to my cousin Ben's wedding,  he married a beautiful girl brought a new member into our big family. It was so nice to share in their day, it was very emotional, I cried numerous times. Ben and I danced together crying wishing our grandparents could be there too. I love my uncle's family and being with people who I look like is nice.

Then July, the Tour de France, my favorite event of the summer. It was tough because I worked and couldn't really watch the race. Thankfully my friend Dot drove seven hours to spend the weekend with me watching the finale of the race. Even though I missed a lot of racing, I think this tour will be memorable to me forever because of some really special reasons that have to do with the people of the cycling community in general.

Now August is coming, Marty is heading back to school and life is returning to normal. The kids will both be in high school this year and we have a lot of work to focus on with that. Conner has two jobs, Elizabeth is baking up a storm and making new friends.

One thing this summer, we have been grateful for those friends who have supported us in prayer as we trusted God. So many were there for us, lifting us up and making the effort. As we make new friends in Tennessee, Elizabeth and I have been learning to look forward instead of looking back. Sometimes we get disappointed things aren't the same with the friends we left but then we remember life is moving forward not back. We are thankful for those who make the effort to come visit, to check in and listen to us.

We have enjoyed the beautiful summer weather, lots of really good family time, laughter, happiness and joy. One of the things that happened was Debbie, our donor Jerry's mom sent us a video of Jerry's life and bracelets. I look at my wrist with Jerry's name on it every day, I realize how good our life is because of their gift and how Marty not getting paid is NOTHING compared to where we came from. We are blessed and grateful for our life now, we are really loving our new jobs and life in Tennessee.

As tradition, August is the month I do my ''Music that Takes Me Back'' series.  Summer is always about the Beach Boys. So I will share something Marty has said to me all summer:





PSI have been working on memorizing Matthew 6 this summer:

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Guest Blog: Single Mom Series, Ashlea's Story

Having so many single mom’s in my life, I was asked by a Twitter reader to do a highlight on the inspiring stories of single mom’s by my friend Ashela. The answers were so good and thorough that I decide each will get her own blog this week. I think we need to listen to them and try to help them all we can by giving support and encouragement.

How many kids do you have? How long have you been a single mom? I have boy /girl twins who are almost eight. I legally separated from their dad four years ago and have been legally divorced for three years.

What is the hardest thing you face as a single mom? Reconciling “single” and “mom”. I feel many times like these are two different lives that I lead and they each have their own set of rules and demands and responsibilities. Usually I’m not Single Ashlea and Mom Ashlea at the same time.

How do you make time for yourself ? I am very lucky in that their dad takes them at regular intervals. But during those times when we go long stretches, me time is found late in the evenings. And my kids are very used to me telling them that I need 30 minutes to myself. But yes, sometimes I just want to be able to take a shower alone.

What do you feel people could work on in their reaction to you being a single mom ? My favorite line is “oh, I wish I could do whatever I wanted all the time.” Really? The other one I frequently get is “Must be nice not having to deal with a man every day.” Again, really? It’s not all fun and games and many times having that extra set of hands or ears or the reassurance would be so nice.

Why do you think the world judges single mom’s instead of supporting them? I think, in my case, there is a societal stigma about divorce. In some cases this is religious in nature, but I think many people fear that divorce is something that can happen to them and instead of facing their insecurity in their own life, the choose to judge my decisions. Unfortunately, women are the absolute worst at bringing each other down instead of up and most of the judgment I get about my lifestyle comes from other women.

If there is one thing you wanted people to be aware of what would it be? How can others be a better support system and encouragement? I think we all need to let mothers off the hook. I think we all do what we can to simply get through. And no I didn’t nurse,didn't make my own baby food, but I do the best I can with the skills I have. I believe this to be the case with most moms. We need to support moms being moms in whatever why they are instead of saying “you should…”

What is your biggest discouragement in parenting solely? How do you encourage yourself to get through those times? Parenting is hard. Really hard. And sometimes yes, it gets overwhelming doing it on your own. We’re told by society that the best thing we can do is be a parent. And sometimes it’s the world’s most thankless job. I miss the other person to bounce things off of, the sanity check. But when things get really bad (like when I haven’t had an adult conversation in 5 days), I watch my kids sleep or listen to them talk to each other and I realize that I can’t mess them up that bad if I just try to do what I can and stop trying to do what I can’t. They need to see a competent, hard working mom, not a mom trying to be someone she isn’t.

What is the best thing about being a single mom? Share the positives you have experienced. Being a single mom has allowed me to add the words “why not?” into my vocabulary. I have had the opportunity to figure out who I am as a person, independently. And that’s something I otherwise would not have done. I have learned that I CAN do things I would have never tried before. And my kids can do them too. Recently, I have started rock climbing and stand up paddle boarding. And so have my kids. I would have never done that before and I would have never though my 7 year olds could do it either. But why not? It’s astounding to see what I can do and what they can achieve. And I think my kids seeing me grow and learn and try new things is the best thing I can do for them.

I would like to point out a couple of important things. First, I think a lot of this crosses into single parent, not just single mom. But as this blog is specifically about single moms I have used that.  In my case, I became a single mom because of a divorce but other reasons for being a single mom are being widowed or choosing to have a child out of wedlock. My divorce was an agonizing decision for me and part of that was the fear of the stigma that is attached to single moms. Women don’t support each other enough and I lost every single female friend I had during my divorce. Reconciling my single life with my mom life is very difficult for me. My kids are my center. I know every decision I make impacts them. And as I have primary custody of them, my routines center around them. I go to the gym or volunteer during their school hours, I choose not to work because I feel it is important to be home with them. But when they go to their dad’s that center is gone. I am then “free” to do whatever I want. What I notice is that because my routines are disrupted, I tend to feel extremely unsettled during those times. Advice I get is “oh, just go get a job.” Like it’s that easy.  Where am I going to find a job that is available just when their dad has them or just when they are at school? “just get married again”. Ok, I don’t even want to get into how stupid that one is. “Just find stuff to stay busy” When you’re used to having your day be taken up with carpool and kids, “finding stuff” isn’t that easy. “I’d love to be able to have a day to read a book.” Yes, that’s a great benefit, but I only need that so often.  People don’t get it and they don’t think about what they say to single parents. There is no easy solution to the feast or famine lifestyle of being a single person and a mom person.

Beyond the parenting issues I discussed above, the single piece is very complicated. I had to learn how to date again, how to do things alone, how to be alone without being lonely. It has been a long, emotional process. As I said, I lost every friend I had. Some of them I lost because they were only friends because of the life I led before. But losing my best friend was a really deep blow. She couldn’t walk in my shoes and I couldn’t live the same life I led before. My life is so vastly different that even my best friend and I couldn’t keep it together. I don’t blame her. I’ve changed as was dictated by my changing life and she didn’t need to make the same changes in hers.

I will say that being a single mom has been really great for me in terms of personal growth. I am able to show my kids an independent, strong, stable (most of the time) woman who faces the good times and the bad with an ever growing skill set. Sometimes I fail and many times it’s hard. But I get out of the bed every morning and face the day. And I do it on my own terms and on my own two feet. That is a great role model for my daughter because she learns that women really can do things alone. It’s a great role model for my son because he sees that women are to be respected, that women are strong, and that women can have fun. And for both of them I hope my life teaches them to embrace things outside social programming. I hope they are better able to evaluate what they want in their lives instead of only accepting what our society tells them they should want.

Thank you Ashlea for the idea and for writing a great piece. I appreciate your honest answers and insight.