Wednesday, April 2, 2008


I have been thinking about blogging on this subject for awhile now, I put it off but I think it better to explain things since I always am alluding to it. I am the middle of three daughters in my family, I have a older sister Kim who is 39 and a younger sister Carrie who is 29. My mom gave birth to Kim at the age of 17 much to the disapointment of her parents, it would be 30 yrs before the whole story would come to light. She then married my Dad and gave birth to Carrie and I two years apart, much to the enjoyment of all grandparents.

Carrie and I grew up rather close, in fact we had our own language when we were little. We fought mainly because we are very different in many ways. Also, with Carrie being the baby of the family she is used to getting her way or the highway. We spent much of our teenager years engrossed in the alternative music scene going to at least 1 concert a weekend. She broke my heart when she decided to move in with our dad in 1992. I cried for a week straight when she left home and missed her all week long until we spent the weekend together. When I met Marty and married him our relationship started to become distant and strained because I was growing up.

One weekend in 1995 my family sent me to be the messenger of a message for Carrie and from then on things would never be the same. She really has nothing to do with me, I have tried and tried in vain to make things right but eventually you realize it's a two way street and you can't rebuild the bridge on your own. I chased after her until I could no longer chase and eventually let go. Things have been good recently and I know someday their will be restoration in our relationship, I just don't know when.

Kim and I were never close, she was 8 when I was born and really hated the fact I was born. At the age of 13 she became wild, promicious and uncontrollable. Our house was always in some sort of uproar due to her behavior, there is a lot of mental instability there. She would come in and cause problems and then just leave, happy that she got whatever attention she needed. She also became a mother at the age of 16 and left her son to be raised by my Mom until he turned 17. I never really cared for Kim's behavior and always had a strong dislike for her treatment of me. About 10 yrs ago she was able to persuade me she had changed and that we needed to be close. We were married one year apart and ended up having kids 4 and 6 months apart.

 When we moved to Visalia it took about three days to realize she hadn't changed at all, in fact in some ways she was worse. I tried for five years to have a relationship with her but it caused me physical and emotional distress, I decided four years ago to shut the door on that relationship. It has been very hard but so worth it in many ways, my kids are the biggest benefactors since they don't have to grow up with that stress. It also has saved my marriage since Marty put up with so much himself and I was always putting my sister first instead of my family. Sadly, I wish I could tell you she has changed or will ever change but I don't see that happening now.

It's a complicated mess fueled by divorce and a broken home. My parent's finally have come to terms with my decision on Kim and now see why I have made it. They wish things with Carrie and I would change and hope that someday it will. We were all together for the first time in four years, two weeks ago and I know they enjoyed that. I hope this helps clear up some of the mystery surrounding my lack of conversation regarding my siblings.

A/N These are my opinions and feelings which I am entitled to. This isn't meant to slander anyone but simply share my feelings and side of a situation that has caused me pain and anguish.