Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Bad weekend

Marty passed out on the way into work last Thursday. He drove to work and got dizzy walking in, some co-workers found him a chair and he went out in the chair. He was rushed to the hospital near his work and they found his blood sugar was over 700 and his blood pressure was 212/106.

He had still not been sleeping leading up to this episode. He had some swelling so we used the strongest strength of dialysis solution. Unfortunately that solution is high in dextrose, causing his blood sugar to soar and him to get sick. They were able to treat him in the E.R and get it down.

I was home getting ready to take Conner to baseball when the call came. It was Marty telling me he was "okay" and "don't come". I called my friend Robin who dropped everything to take me to him. His work is 65 miles from our home and quite a drive, I needed to be able to drive him home in our car. She took the kids home with her and let them stay the night. The whole way to the hospital I was texting, calling and updating my Facebook status. It was quite a eye opener to what we will face when "the call" comes someday.

We brought him home and spent the next few days trying to get him back on track. He did get some sleeping meds from the doctor yesterday that seemed to work fairly well. His blood pressure is down now and we are only working on battling the blood sugar numbers now. We are hoping to get this figured out and keep him going until he gets his transplant.

Above all we know God is in control and we are incredibly blessed. It has been amazing to see the support our friends have given us and how God has provided.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Caring and Giving

My friend just commented on me being a caregiver. It sounds weird to me but I guess that is what I am these days. I wish I could sit here and write happy, cheerful, joyous things but right now I cannot. I am happy, joyful and thankful for many things. At the same time I am tired, weary, worn out and trying to not worry.

Last night was a bad night, that followed a bad night the night before that. Marty has not been able to sleep well at night. This has been going on for about four days now, he lays down and gets congested. Then he feels like he is wheezing when he lays on his right side. All together not good when you are already tired. He goes to sleep and the about 2 or 3 am he gets up and is restless beyond restless. I want to help him and cannot help but wake up and try to help him. The thing is, I cannot help him because it is like trying to put a band-aid on a gapeing hole.

We have tried Tylenol P.M., Sudafed, Advil P.M. to no avail. so far. Tonight we are trying a wedge and Benadryl to see how they work. I feel so bad for him, he gets up and goes to work all day long. He gets home at 11:30 pm and sleeps until about 2 or 3 am.

After the long night, I asked for some prayer from friends and church. The good things started to happen right away this morning. First the news, his blood work came back GREAT! he can actually drop a medication now. His dialysis numbers are good and he only has to work on a couple of things.

Then the news, he is going back to working nights. While I miss him, I love that I can sleep and then help him while he sleeps. I will be much better equipped and able to function when he needs help. I think this will be better for the kids too! The have missed their dad coming to functions and spending time with them. He also will be off on Saturdays and Sundays now! So life is good all around.

We are still waiting, keep praying. Thank you for reading and taking the time to pray for us. God is at work even if we only see little bits of it, we know he is there.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Tired of trying and tired of crying

You have fed us with sorrow and made us drink tears by the bucketful. Psalm80:5

How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? Psalm 13:2

When do you stop trying so hard? When do you just walk away and wait on the Lord? These are some questions I have been praying about lately. I am by nature a person who wants all my relationships to be good and really struggle when things are bad. It is hard for me to let go and let God, it is hard for me not to want to fix things. I have for years been waiting for healing in a particular relationship. Waiting for things to change but yet nothing ever does. I finally saw a glimmer of hope only to have that darkened. I have tried so hard for so many years only to be knocked down over and over. My heart aches with the longing to have a close bond like other people do with their siblings.

I have thought over every move and decision I have made. Questioned what can I do different? Wondered why? I have tried harder than most people would. I am just ready to give up and not try anymore.I am tired of trying, tired of crying, tired of aching. It's not fair to Marty or the kids to see me cry and lose time with me over it. I cried most of the afternoon over something and don't want to cry anymore.

My big fear is closing the door and making a mistake. I don't ever close doors on people and have only done that once in my life. I will leave the door cracked but I am not going to be actively pursuing this person.