I will be here

Today is our 14th anniversary a very proud day for us. I woke up and played this song for Marty this morning, truly speaks of where we are at right now. I will be here no matter what, in sickness and in health. Steven Curtis Chapman wrote this song for his wife Mary Beth.

"There is a season"

Ecclesiastes 3

 A Time for Everything

 1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: 2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, 3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, 6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, 7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, 8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. 9 What does the worker gain from his toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. 13 That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.

  A friend called me and read this to me a day after my last entry. It really spoke to me like never before, there is a time for everything in life and this is the time for my life right now. It was so encouraging to me and really was something I wanted to write down for posterity. I was having a breakdown last week, Marty was down and brought me down with him. Of course, I willing went down on my own accord and I know that it is okay to have breakdowns. I had several friends praying for me and encouraging me at the end of last week.

 First my good friend S, called and prayed for me and with me. She shared this scripture with me and really helped me deal with a nonsensical issue that was bugging me. I called and talked with my Pastor about things and he prayed for me and encouraged me. Friday night, I was able to have a virtual girls night out with my girlfriends Di and Andrea, it was fun to cut loose and enjoy myself. It was fun to have time just chatting and being together, even three hundred miles away. Then on Saturday, I took Conner to cattle roundup at at Scott and Dee Dee's ranch. Elizabeth had her second tennis lesson and I enjoyed the beautiful weather while watching her.

  After that Marty had Band of Brothers, while we were at the church we got to see our friends Jason and Michelle. They moved away a couple of years ago, Marty was very close with Jason and it was such a boost to see them and get great hugs. Then a great day at church yesterday, followed by a afternoon of  funny texts from a friend. To top it all off, I ran into my best friend at the grocery store and she was wearing a really special necklace. It is a necklace in memory of Audrey Smith, daughter of Angie Smith whose blog is one of my all time favorite blogs. It is by Lisa Leonard designs and really cute, you can go check it out here
Really a great necklace for a great price, I have already asked for one for Mother's day. Thanks for all of your prayers and support. They mean the world to me!

" Nobody will ever really "get" it."

Words spoken by Conner that cut me to the core. He is so right, nobody outside of these four walls will ever "get" it. Kids are so astute and insightful sometimes, they can "get" it!

   Marty has been doing well, we have gotten rid of the "evil machine" and are only doing manual exchanges. That consists of heating 2000 ml bags of dialyasite and letting the fluid dwelling in his stomach drain out and then putting 1700 ml of fluid back in. The process takes about a half hour all together. We have to mask up, shut the door, I wash my hands, dry them with paper towels and then hook his catheter into the bag. His catheter is in his stomach, the fluid goes in the peritoneal cavity. We do this process four times a day now. It has helped greatly but is very time consuming and binding. We have to be home at those four times a day and not get off track with time so he can go to work. But it beats the machine beeping and alarming, causing Marty to lose sleep and not get rested. I also feel the machine wasn't giving him the proper amount of fluid. The scale never measured right and I think that caused him to not get enough dialysis. He has been feeling so much better these days, but that doesn't mean he is better or always has a good day.

 The past four days he was dried out, which means dehydrated. That causes him to feel weak, nauseous and overall not well. So we had to cut back on the strength of the fluid and amount of dialysis. When he has a bad day, not much gets done otherwise. We have to stay home and make sure that he gets rest.

  I guess we do a good job of making life look very normal and undisturbed. It just looks like we are not showing up at things or missing things because we are being lazy or uninterested. Nothing could be further from the truth, the truth is we just need to stick close to home. I really don't like it at all, the kids don't like it at all and Marty doesn't like it at all. I just hope to give you more insight on our day to day. That doesn't include doctor's offices, nurses calling and dealing with two different pharmacies. Just waiting and hoping for things to change soon!

New feature

New feature on the right, a link to Feedburner.com that will allow you to subscribe to my blog via email. Some of you don't use Blogger dashboard and it will enable to you get a email notification when I post a new blog. I like have all of my blogs in one place and it makes it so much easier to follow a blog. Hope it helps, let me know what you think.

I am really trying here

I will be glad when I don't have to write this way anymore. I would much rather write funny blogs about life, travel, school, kids and not blogs about tough stuff. Life has not changed and there is nothing we can do about it. We just press on,putting one foot in front of the other and keep trying to live the best we can. I used to be a very active person, involved in many different ministries, activities and assorted things. All of that has come to a halt and my focus has turned toward home. There really is little time to do anything besides church, school and doctors appointments. Throw in baseball season and tennis lessons, my free time is gone. Part of that is just having tweens with busy social lives and is completely normal. Add in a chronic illness, things get really hairy....fast. On top of that all, my husband needs me. It is a very scary, tough and difficult time for him and he needs my support. He really does struggle without my support and it is imperative that I give it to him. I don't want to look back someday and regret not being there for him. He comes second only to God and first above everything else. So when people come up and say, " I never see you anymore!" or " You never call me anymore!" it is very frustrating. Not to mention the people who give "looks" yes, I actually get "looks" like " you hurt my feelings because you don't pay attention to me" kind of "looks". I don't like that people feel that way, but it is the way life is right now. I just don't have much time or energy to put into others outside of this home. That is why I love Facebook so much, I can keep up with my friends while helping Marty. During this time, I have found many relationships to be one way streets. Some relationships have been only one sided and without me making the effort, they are non exsistent. My sincere hope is that nobody takes my behavior toward them personally at this time. It truly is not personal at all, it is just the way things are. I don't mean to hurt your feelings by not calling or joining in social functions. I just don't have the time. I am sorry if I can't spend much one on one time with you right now, I just can't. This is not permanent, things will change one day and I will have more freedom than at this exact moment. If you miss me, call me and I will make time to talk to you. Getting together is really hard at the moment and you will have to forgive me there. I am leery about writing about this, but I feel it has to get out there to prevent hurt feelings. Plus, it is just another facet to this story and needs to be spoken. Thank you for listening and hopefully understanding.