Friday, May 10, 2013

The Little Voices in My Head

I may be weird,silly and a little nuts but I am not that crazy! These are the voices in my head:

 A few months ago, when we moved into this house in the middle of winter; I was walking around on the wood floors with no socks on. My feet were cold, suddenly I could just hear my Grandma saying, '' Put some socks on those feet. You''ll catch a cold.'' Not literally, it was just years of her repeating that sentiment that somehow, it finally sunk in!

Funny how years after she's gone, that little voice remains in my head. We never realize how much we'll miss those little things until they're gone. As the years go on, moving farther away from when they were alive, I miss my grandmothers so much, sometimes it takes my breath away. It does take much to make me miss them, a song, a scent, hearing someone talk about a soap opera one or the other watched.

A few weeks ago, I was talking with my kids about my Gramie and how she smelled of Avon Intrigue, Doublemint gum and cigarette smoke. To many that sounds disgusting but to me it was heavenly. I was recalling that scent from memory. A week later, a man walked into my job smelling like Doublemint and cigarette smoke. It took everything I had to keep my composure and not start bawling on the spot. It was amazing on one hand and so heart wrenching on the other hand.

As I moved away from home and family, I thought a lot about my Grandma Brown. She did the same thing many years before leaving her family in Wisconsin for love in California. She raised her family away from her own family and created her own life with my Gramps. I knew she would've been the first to encourage me to go and take a chance.

I hear my Gramie when I iron shirts, she taught me how to starch when Marty was going through the police academy. It was the very last lesson she taught me as she died before he graduated. I can hear her telling me how to iron the crease and put just the right amount of starch.

They are the little voices in my head as I walk this journey of mothering and being a wife. They were two of my best friends in the entire world and my heroes. I love that even though they're both gone, they live on through lessons learned and lessons taught.

As Mother's day approached, I just needed to write this out and remember them in some way. It's been 10 years since Gramie has been gone and seven years since Grandma has been gone. I still get jealous when I hear other people talk about seeing their grandparents, I still miss them just as much as the day they died and maybe more. Not sure I will ever be ready to let go. So thankful for their voices that live on in my head.