2006, My Annus Horribilis

I once heard Queen Elizabeth say that about the year 199. I  never thought there would be a year horrible enough in my life. This year, 2006 is my annus horribilis, I have volumes to say on this year much of it not good in my mind. So because I use this blog for my venting purposes and as a record, I will speak my mind frankly and one last time for posterity.

January- before it was here it was bad. My Grandma got sick Christmas day and was hanging on to life in a hospital. My  friend Robin had a heart attack two days later on her birthday and I was torn between staying here and helping or going to be with my family. I needed to be there and wanted to be there but needed to be here too. " I took a picture I don't like to look at" ( that picture graces the top of this blog) on December 27th that reminds me of all those feelings being torn. I ended up going on Dec 29th and spent New Years with my family in So.Cal. I will never forget the time I spent with Grandpa and how God blessed me with the most precious time in my life with Grandpa. He told me things and shared things and gave me his blessing to go on in life. I stayed to help care for him so everyone could be with Grandma.

 I took him to the doctor and the doctor told him to come back in March and he told him, " I wont be here in March my days are numbered." I kinda had a inkling to believe him then but I made him that appointment. Grandma came home,we visited and Conner got to go spend time with her. She called him "Moon-face" without even speaking. It was precious! We said goodbye knowing it would be final. We left and came home and tried to re-group and get life moving again. Sunday January 26th I awoke to my dad calling to tell me Grandma was gone.

February- We went to So.Cal to say goodbye to Grandma and it was hard for many reasons. God was good and gave me the strength to deal with many difficult situations. I left Grandpa crying on the side of his bed and told him I would be back soon. The next week he went into the hospital and they couldn't really figure out what was wrong with him. You cant see a broken heart on a x-ray. Tried to get life on track and be normal again. Spent most days calling my dad to check on Grandpa. My mom found a lump in her face and found out it was a tumor and needed surgery. Marty turned 30 and he says he is still 29! We had a nice birthday for him.

March- packed my kids,our traveling school house up again, and went to So.Cal to care for my mom after much drama of which daughter would do that. We got there and went straight to see Gramps at the rehab hospital. I said to him " I said I would come see you at home not here" I said " it has only been a couple of weeks and look where you are" he had been in and out of reality.I wasn't sure he even knew what I was talking about,he looked at me and said" It has been six weeks" and I almost fell over because he was right! My mom had the surgery , things looked good and the kids got to have some fun with cousins. Grandpa ended up in ICU mid-week. I went and talked with him and told him if he wanted to go be with Grandma it was okay.He said that is what he wanted and I told him to ask God to take him, the next day he called for his priest to come to him. He told my aunt, " I cant do this without my girl."

 My mom was recovering,I needed to go home to be with Marty for our 10th anniversary and bring normal to my kids in some way. I went to the hospital to say "Goodbye Gramps" I rubbed his hair and told him I loved him and he told me he loved me. I said "Thank you for everything" He said "Your Welcome".

 I came home and the next day he went home to his house. Marty and I celebrated 10 wonderful years of marriage on the 23rd and he bought me a beautiful new ring that I love. We went out to dinner and had a really great time and also celebrated that it was our nephews 1st birthday. That Sunday March 26th, eight weeks to the day that grandma died during my after church nap I got the call from my dad that Grandpa had gone to be with his girl.

April- We drove down to So.Cal to say goodbye to Gramps and had a huge family party that will live on in  my  memory forever. Jen Fitz came to play and sing for our family. We had a huge sing-along in my grandparents back yard. We took family photos and it was a really sad, sad, gray day. But we honored Grandpa in the way he would have wanted it. We came home and celebrated Elizabeths birthday and my mom came up for the party then my mom was hospitalized for Staph infection and I wasnt sure if she would live through it. I couldnt go be with her though as the kids and I needed a mental break and to be at home.

May- My cousins Caiti and Jillie came to visit marking the first time anyone in my family since I have moved here have come to see me and I really liked that. Life settled into a normal routine.

June- Peace and quiet! But another trip to So.Cal this time to see Marty's family for guess what? a funeral for Marty's uncle. But it was good for us to see them after almost 10yrs. I made three really great new friends this month and our friendships have become really important to me.

July- We went to Big Sur on a wonderful family vacation and had a good time. Conner survived a near catastrophe while swimming in the Big Sur river after being sucked into a drainage pipe while a friend of ours was watching him. God is good and allowed him to escape with only a scrape and a healthy dose of fear. We had a majorly hot weekend that came with a 12 hr power outage. Marty ended up with a ambulance ride to the hospital because it was so hot and he was so tired his blood sugar got to low. It was a terrifying experience but I am glad I knew what to do and was able to stay calm during the whole thing.

August- I am laughing because my life has turned into a Country song and unless you knew me and knew all this happened you wouldn't believe it. We went to So.Cal to say goodbye to Grandma and Grandpas house of 51 years. The center of my childhood and the place I called home because it was the only home I ever had to go to. My dad and aunts gave me a nice gift, they  took my kids for a week and gave me my grandma and grandpa's bedroom set. It was a huge blessing and such a comfort to me. It helped my grief tremendously. Our Van which is 4 years old decided to no longer run, it would cost us over 6k to fix it and it wouldn't be guaranteed to stay that way. So we had to buy another car and still pay on the van for one more year. What a nightmare spent trying to figure out what was wrong and how to fix it? ( that car sat in my garage for another year and a half. The day it left was a 3 ton weight off my chest)

Sept- I turned 30 and went to Chonda Pierce. We got our new car and started another school year. Things were good!


Oct- The house sold and my dad was devastated, he bought his first home on his own. Our long time friend Gabriel from El Patio died and that was quite bad for my dad. I wanted to run down there again but couldn't. I had to learn to bloom where I am planted.

Nov- Conner turned 9! Big drama with Kim ( my older sister) and her family and even though we don't speak she dragged me in and got people mad at me. That made things bad. We had a quiet Thanksgiving at home and we thankful for many things( read my blog Thankful)

December- much excitement because after 10 years I got to finally meet Candace she was so nice and kind and it is so cool to minister along side of her. It was a amazing blessing to get to go and meet her! We stayed at my dad's new house and went to Knotts. It was great! We had a party at our house for the homeschool kids and I faked it till I made it on Christmas and managed to not spend the whole day crying about Grandma even though everything reminded me of her.

So here I sit reflecting on this terrible year but I see so much good in all these things. My marriage only got better and stronger through all of this. My amazing husband was a rock through it all. My kids and I bonded so much in grief and it has been a hard thing to share but something that made us closer. They did really good in school and Elizabeth reads like crazy and Conner made progress with his school work. My husband has a good job that gave me the resource to go and be with my family when I needed to and I didn't have to worry about money. I was blessed with many good friends who listened and were patient with me during this time. People did so much for me I can never repay but only hope to.

I feel I am a better person and know worrying will get me nowhere fast but that to trust in the Lord and his will for my life. I wont even venture to guess what 2007 will be like because I did that last year and every plan I made got changed and thrown out the window. Instead I am trying to take one day at a time and go with the flow.

Goodbye Annus Horribilis you wont be missed.

To my faithful blog readers- I am going to try to refrain from talking about this stuff anymore so bear with me on this one and look forward to more positive posts in the new year.

A/N Little did I know that my life would get infinitely harder within the next year. This was all before Marty was diagnosed with Renal failure. God had told me Christmas day 2005 that I had a long rough road ahead of me and boy did he ever mean it. Just a few months later, Marty was diagnosed with End Stage Renal failure and we would have the darkest years of our lives until January 2011.

Christmas is over

I am so happy Christmas is coming to a close. I have been dreading the day for over a year and am glad it has past. I love Christmas and the meaning don't get me wrong but I knew that it meant Grandma would almost be gone a year when it got here. Christmas music made me cry and when my Dad came and we had our nice Christmas dinner it was like there was a elephant in the room no one wanted to talk about or mention. The part that killed me the most was the grocery store was selling poinsettias for 5.99 and last year before Christmas when we went to visit grandma sent me out to buy poinsettias but only if they were less than 7 dollars a plant ( but not small ones). I went to several drug stores and Target, Walmart and Grocery stores and couldnt find any less than 7 dollars. So every time I went to the grocery store this year and saw those 5.99 nice big poinsettas I wanted to cry every time because they made me think of her and my last trip to the store for her. Every time I hear " Here comes Santa Claus " or " Santa Claus is coming to town" I think of Gramps and sitting at the little white table in the kitchen and him singing those songs to me when I was little ( or any of us kids for that matter). Then to add it all together it was my other grandma's birthday and I already missed her on that day. I kept thinking I needed to call someone and had called everyone already. It was a rough one but I was able to keep it together.This year has flown by and I will reflect on that closer to New Years.

I want to go to England

My life long dream is to go to England and I have never been.

 Now I am desperate to go next summer for the Princess Di concert and memorial. It was announced today and I would walk to go! I cant believe it has been ten years since Catt and I went to LA to sign the condolence books and since Lionel walked up to me and told me he was so sorry for my loss. It also means Conner is almost ten since I was pregnant and I remember people telling me to calm down because they were worried I would lose the baby. I cant believe it has been that long.

  It was my life long dream from 5 to meet Princess Di and she was the epitome of my childhood. Now almost ten years have gone by since the day that dream died and I cant believe it. Times flies faster and faster the older you get.

life with a son

This morning as we were dicussing our daily schedule and school schedule I told the kids we were doing baking and crafts after our daily studies. I was making breakfast at the time and Conner says " I am just going to play my play-station and you and sis can do the baking I dont want to learn how to bake." I said" No, you need to learn how to bake" He says " I plan on finding a good wife who can do all that stuff." I about fell on the floor laughing it was so funny. " I told him it is nice to have a husband who knows how to cook and cleanup after himself too." He says " Well, I dont plan on being single" and I say "Neitheir did your Grandpa but he is and he knows how to do all that stuff." then he dropped it and went on. It was so funny!!! The things kids think and say sometimes is so funny.

Thankful

It was such a great day today and I was able to reflect on things I am thankful for as most of you know I tend to be a complainer and pessimist at times. But I have really been trying to focus on what is good, true, real, noble, praiseworthy these days. During this Thanksgiving holiday I was really missing my Grandma since she taught me most of what I know about cooking Thanksgiving and when reflecting back on this horrible year I tried to see what has been good. So for myself and posterity a list of what I am thankful for:

My Faith
My husband who stands by me and loves me unconditionally and is such a blessing to me.
My two healthy,happy, well behaved, cute kids who love me uncoditionally and bring me joy each day.

That I had 3 wonderful grandparents and got to say goodbye to each and every one of them and be with them and spend time with them before they all passed away.
That I had Grandparents who took the time to teach me stuff
That I had safe places at their homes when my own wasnt so good.
That my relationship with my dad has greatly changed
That I have re-connected with my dad's family and that I got to be there when it mattered most.
That I have close cousins who listen when I need them too.
That I have a home,warm bed,clothes and food.
That my husband has a good job that provides for us so that
I can stay home and teach my children.
I am healthy

One of the biggest ones is that I have been so blessed to have so many really great friendships at all stages of my life. I have old friends, middle of the road friends, friends from jobs, friends who I met when I moved, New friends just so many friends. I have been so blessed to have each and every one of you in my life and I KNOW that I wouldnt have made it through this yr with out all of you in my lives. You have been a shoulder to cry on, a ear to listen and a sounding board for advice. You have prayed and stayed when I have been nuts with grief, sorrow and heartache. As a year comes quickly next month I need to take the time now to say thanks and let you know I am forever grateful and hope I can be there for each and every one of you when you need me.
Thanks

accosted

You get accosted in the mall shopping by people at the carts wanting you to try there wares... have news for you if I want your product I will just come up and buy it. This drove me nuts walking through the mall with Marty Yesterday.
Then I get on here as a way to keep up with family and old friends mainly and get accosted by strangers to be my friend. They think because I know someone they know that I will be there friend too. That isnt so odd and this is a public place and I choose to be on here but still I feel pressure to add and accosted at the same time.

Now for the real reason I chose to blog about this. Marty and I took Elizabeth to the park because she was whining Conner got to go with a friend and she didnt. I explained to her life isnt fair and she isnt always gonna get to go. So after she happied up she asked if we would walk her across the street to the park. So we did and about two minutes into it I see a lady walking up with two younger kids. Immediately the little girl runs up to Elizabeth and says "hello" Elizabeth ignores her in true Elizabeth fashion and upon the second hello finally says "Hi" then the mom starts jabbering endlessly to Marty and I. Now you know me and I can out talk anyone. She out talked me. So because our little girls are playing she is suddenly my new best friend asking "where do I live?" "what does Marty do" "where do your kids go to school" "oh, she lost a tooth, how old is she" "how much does Marty make at his job" YES, she actually asked him that question. Where do I go to church? Am I a Christian? Do I rent or own? How much a month do you pay for rent? Can I have your phone number? Yes, she actually wants to get together again. Then she tells me she has a mom's group and I should come to that. I told her I have one of my own plus my kids are too old for me to be in hers. As we were walking away Marty was like "What the heck was that?" I told him that isnt the first time that has happened to me at the park. I have twice been invited over to someone's house swimming from the park( I didnt go) and I have been asked for my phone number so many times it is nuts. Then I dont want to be rude or unkind and insult this person. But people wonder how bad things happen and how people and their kids bad situations. I am floored at how people will just tell you everything without knowing you. So I knew I had to blog about being accosted at the park today it was too funny. I am such a cynic!

El Patio

Some of you may know that growing up our family had a restaurant we frequented weekly in uptown Whittier "El Patio". My parents had gone there since they were teenagers and taken all of us in the baby carrier and sat us on the table. The owner's were Gabriel and Ruth De la Parra and were wonderfull people. Gabriel was the nicest man and smelled sooo good always he would take us and make us Shirley Temple's and Mexican pizza's in the kitchen. He is credited for starting my life long love of bean and cheese burrito's and would help me cut them to eat them. They gave my dad side jobs doing work on their floors and hosted many a Brown family function including my grandparent's 5oth anniversary and my graduation party. They sold the restraunt a few years back but remained friends with my dad. I called my dad yesterday and asked him what he was doing and he said sitting down. My dad never sits still except to sleep so I knew something was up. He told me "Gabriel died this morning" and broke down crying and I broke down. This is the 4th major death for my dad this year and after the sale of the house could be counted as 5 deaths. He had just seen him the day before and he had been struggling with Cancer for awhile. I felt awful for my dad because I think he feels his world falling apart and to some extent it is changing dramatically. I am glad I got the opportunity to see Gabriel just 2 months ago at my grandparents house. I put the pic up in my pics to share the memory. So many memories being a adult sucks!

Gabriel and Ruth

10-26-06

Ok, First I will make you laugh...

Conner asked for a sonicare toothbrush for his birthday-AAAhhh,That's my kinda boy.


I was teaching the kids the song Seek ye first and then I told them to draw a picture of a castle during social studies and Elizabeth draws one with a person and I asked her who it was and she said "That's zeek" and I said" Who's Zeek?" and she said"You know Zeek ye first" I was rolling laughing.

We have been crazy busy with all kinds of stuff around here lately and I am hoping next week will be quiet I am going to take the afternoon off tomorrow! that will be a change.


The house has sold and the new owners have the keys and it was really sad for my dad. I cant imagine living somewhere 51 years of my life and having to leave. I am sad I wont go back to the house ever again. Things don't seem to be getting easier yet with the grief and I dont know when it will......................

Here is me at my grandparents house leaving and not looking back

WARNING*Don't read if you are tired of hearing about my dead grandparents

Well I woke up yesterday and I felt like the fog had lifted and it was a good day. I didnt feel so depressed about everything in life and felt just different. It was good and I feel like life is moving on now for me. It is hard because most of my family is still waiting for things to be tied up with the house so they don't have the finality yet. But for me after I left last time I knew I wasnt going back there again. Now I know that the holidays are coming and the bandaid is coming off again soon enough but for now things are good. Then the best thing happened after all that I saw grandma in my dream last night. First time since she has been gone and it was nice.....

30 yrs old

Damn! my 20's flew by and now I am in a whole other age bracket. I can't believe I am 30something now. I can't believe it and I hope that they are great years of my life. I know my 20's was a very hard learning time for me. I hope that I can enjoy my family because time is flying in 10yrs I will be 40 and Conner will be 18 so this is the last frontier with him and Elizabeth lucky me ( I am not so thrilled about this one) will be 16 *says faciously* I cant wait for that.

Oh well, at least I havent found gray hair like Marty*hahaha*

Wardrobe malfunction

Ok, so this is the second time in a month I have had a mortifying wardrobe malfunction. My poor husband I am such an embarrasment to him.

First time I was wearing light shorts and it became that time without my knowledge and I was all over town and didnt know. AWFUL to discover that when I got home.


Then today I went to church to set up for my mom's group and came home and discovered I had a hole in a very strategic area........I want to die right now. I was talking to my pastor and my youth pastor and it is pretty awful....My poor poor husband.


I need to think of something to do about this problem. I think I will go buy new clothes all in black or something........................

Dying of mortification now.

Life lessons from Dog the bounty hunter

My cousin tells me " I didnt picture you being a Dog the Bounty Hunter type"

So the need to explain comes in and also my life lesson I learned from the show can be explained.

So yeah, I like the Dog show and I am not ashamed of that.

I think that he gives people a chance and pays forward something that was done for him many yrs ago. He shares his life and his faith and that is pretty cool and hard to do. I am not really good at that myself. Plus, I hate the way his wife dresses and think that they are all stuck in the 80's rocker/stoner look and she dresses pretty trashy and I like to laugh at the clothes and feel sorry for his wife's fashion sense. It is pretty bad!
Plus, ever since my dad lived there and we went there I have a fixation on all things Aloha and love when they go to the big island so we can see on tv where we have been and get that feeling all over again. So I love looking at the surroundings that the show is filmed in.


ok, now the story and life lesson( I am not liking admitting this part of myself and feel like I am going to be judged myself here)........ I was watching the wedding special this past week and first of all I love that they are all over the big island and I am thinking been there and been there and lovin it. The the Hilton Waikoloa is one of the most beautiful hotels I have ever been too and it was just like going there again and I loved seeing it. But I was thinking these people are pretty bad. They lead the whole world to believe that they are married already and then they arent. Then they say they are Christians and they are living together. What hypocrites and how shameful of them to pray on tv and then be living together. I was getting all riled up and then it hit me. There are no levels of sin my little white lie to the salesman is just as bad as them doing what they are doing. We all want to run around and put grades or levels of sin and there isnt. Sin is sin and one is as bad as the other. The fact is we all sin and we are all unperfect. I am not perfect and I am just as bad by judging them and can look like just as big a hypocrite as them for doing it. So I realized a huge fact on giving people grace for where they are at and that I am not their judge and jury and I need to be more thoughtful of this. So I am humbled by even writing this out and really want to keep it private but it is true I learned a lesson from the Dog.

Life

Summer has been hectic so little time for blogging. Life lately has been great not to many blips in the radar besides the extremely hot weekend where we lost power and Marty had a really bad low blood sugar and needed to go to the hospital weekend. I have been in a place of growth for many reasons and I am learning alot of things. I think some of the hardest lesson's I have been learning are in the area of friendships. I have always had many friends sometimes almost too many. I have alot of really old friendships that I have had for 16 yrs or better. I always fit in and was part of a group. So now getting older and having alot of clickiness going on around me is really hard and I am learning alot from it. I hate it first of all. I dont want to be it secondly and thirdly when it starts to affect your kids it really sucks. But today in church I heard a great message and really thought alot about what I feel God is doing in my life. I need to mourn it, get comfort from God, Seek him first, be meek and be a peacemaker. Hard to swallow. I get angry and want to say mean things to people but yet I have held my tongue and will continue to do so. More later on the Dog the Bounty Hunter show that taught me alot later...........

Vacation

 Well, vacation has sadly come and gone. We went to Big Sur and it was beautiful. The Central coast of California is my favorite place in the world. We went with some friends and their children. It was wonderful weather in the 70's with a cool breeze.

 We stayed at a campground with the Big Sur river running through it. The river is crystal clear and only about ankle deep in most places with some deeper parts. It has a current that you can tube on. It was fun to walk and find places where people had built little waterways to tube down.

 There was a  bridge to cross into the campground from the road. In the middle is a few metal pipes to let the water flow through and a bigger wooden part in the middle. People were tubing under this part and of course Conner sees this and wants to do it. We didnt understand that we needed to bring tubes so we brought just a couple of mats. So Marty and  I go to the camp store to buy a couple of tubes and our friend Gwen stayed with the kids till we got back.

 We are standing buying the tubes and Gwen brings Conner up and he is all wet and she says, ''He just got the ride of his life"!!!! He has got a frightened look on his face and she said," He got sucked down one of the little pipes trying to get into the bigger open part of the bridge." He had a cut finger and a scraped chest but was really just shaken up.

  I walk over and look at where he has gone down and realize it is pretty much a miracle that he is still alive. As you may remember, a few blogs back I wrote that he really can't swim well at all. He got pulled under water and into a dark tube and made it out.I guess he got caught up on a rock in the middle and pushed himself up and over it to get out. Gwen was at the end waiting for him and pulled him out of the water.

 All I can do is post the pics and let you judge for yourself but I spent the whole night thanking God for bringing him out of the tube.

Look in the pics for the images.

Where he went in is second tube to the left


Where he came out is second to the right

A family photo at mission Carmel

Frustration

We moved last summer into a bigger place for our family. We havent really been here to enjoy it much but it is nice. The kids have space and we have space. But, the neighbors seem to hate us for some reason unknown to us. They have all lived here a long time and know each other well but seem unwilling to be friendly to us. Our kids have had problems with their kids cussing at them and teasing them. Then they have broke stuff of ours and when we ask how it happend nobody knows. Today I was outside watching the kids play and we went over to a friends around the corner and Elizabeth accidently left her stroller out and we came home and it was thrown over a brick wall toward the street and completely broken. I knock on the person's door next to me and of course she didnt know and I dont think she did it as she is an adult.Then I ask the kids across from us and they went in when we left. Then there was 3 boys out playing and I know that one of the three of them knows something and they coyly ask if I found anything out. I was waiting for the mom to get home to talk to her but Marty stopped me because he thinks it will just make things worse. Last week someone unscrewed my light bulb and threw it on the ground all over and now this. I am angry and want to get to the bottom of it but Marty wants to just turn the other cheek and learn from it and go on. SO I WILL JUST BLOG IT and move on........................

Father's day hysteria

Well, we had a nice Father's day weekend visit with my dad. He came up Saturday morning and we had breakfast and he built me some shelves in my garage and help me fix my project that I screwed up. He bought Conner a 18 volt cordless drill for unknown reasons that I am still pondering why he did that? I know why he loves that the kid is just like him and likes to encourage his adventures.


 He only built the shelves to get my stuff out of the work spacethat he built for Conner. Can you say "spoiled"? Then we went to to Fresno for dinner. We went to a restaurant that we had all never been to before and there was a 45 minute wait. So we sit down and my Dad and Marty order a drink to wait and the kids get Shirley temples.

 Finally we get to our table that faces out over the bar and bar area and entry to the restaurant. While we are  ordering, Conner asks if he can get a regular hamburger? I say ''no'' but he talks my dad into it on the basis he eat the whole thing. They have another round of Shirley Temples and the food comes for everyone except me.

 The waiter gives me some lame excuse about how there was a mistake( in other words he forgot my order) and that it will be *just a minute* so we are sitting there and they all start eating while I am waiting.

 My food finally comes, I eat one piece of my steak and hear what I think is a gag from Conner. I turn to him and say " Are you okay?"

He then says it was just a hiccup. Then I see him take a bite and kinda gag ,so I tell him "you are done and just breath through your nose" Then.......... he gives me that look and proceeds to projectile vomit all over himself and the back of the booth at least he turns his head to not get it on the table.

 I start laughing hysterically not because I think it is funny but, because I have a nervous laugh anytime something bad happens and don't know what to do. I did it one time when a co-worker fell at work and she got seriously mad until I could get someone to vouch for me that I do have this problem.

 The next thing I know we are all shoving napkins in his direction. I am laughing so hard I hurt and feel like vomiting myself. I tell Marty he has to deal with this and Conner freaks because he has to walk in front of all these people.

The waiter grabs the bus boy who is less than thrilled about cleaning up vomit and proceeds to make all sorts of comments like," oh, it is juicy right here.", " oh, that kid had quite the aim", " he must have eaten rice"( which he didnt ) " he had to many sodas,you really shouldnt have let him have that many"

Then the booths around us are staring at us and laughing or making comments to the waiter like" you need to take care of these guys for doing that." Then Elizabeth freaks out about the whole thing and is shaking and crying. She has to go to the bathroom and as I am walking her to the bathroom the bus boy is standing at the hostess stand  complaining and they all stare at us and hush up.

 Then the waiter just comes and asks me how my food is?'  I say " just get me a box and the check" my dad finishes his food which was a miracle he didn't puke. Then they bring the check and we slink out and make Conner take his shirt off and force Elizabeth into the car crying.

 FUN!FUN!FUN! Then this morning I made them breakfast and we went to go to church, she still didn't want to get in the car because she was afraid of the smell. I still didn't eat my food and haven't had much of a appetite today at all. The joys of motherhood.

Ok,I'm a slacker

Well life is nothing short of the usual chaos that is called my life. We have been enjoying the summer and our growing garden as of late. For the first time in my life I have been able to grow something from a seed and see it actually bloom and grow. I have managed to keep the plant my aunt gave me alive too! We are still schooling but very minimally we are just doing two subjects for Conner and one for Elizabeth. We have had to make a dragging our feet firmly trip to So.Cal again this time someone in Marty's family died and we saw his side for the first time in 9yrs since his dad died. It was nice and we enjoyed seeing his cousins and their kids. Conner had a great time up in a tree and Elizabeth asked me every 5minutes for 2 hrs when we were leaving. We enjoyed seeing the fam at G-ma's and G-pa's and enoyed a swim in the pool. This week we cleaned and moved furniture around and got ready for my dad to come up for Father's day weekend. Funny stories to tell.... As you may or may not realize I stopped growing in 8th grade and havent grown since. Anyways, I am typically the butt of many family jokes about my size. I tell them I wish I hadnt grown those last 3 inches or I could have joined Little People of America. Anyways, after hearing a weekend full of them I was back home in Visalia this weekend and I took the kids to the dollar store to get some packing tape. I couldnt find it or see it and Conner's new thing is to ask for help. So he goes and finds the guy and asks where the packing tape is and the guy looking at him but out of the corner of his eye looks at me and says " It is on the top shelf and you probably couldnt see it was above your head." Ok, so I blow that off and laugh and then the next day went to get gas and took the kids in for a drink and walk up to the checker and He says" how cute you guys have a little stair step thing going on." to me and MY CHILDREN. HAHAHAHA so funny . These are not siblings buddy these are my children...............................life is moving ahead and going forward and I am enjoying the beautiful weather and summer sun.

In honor of Memorial day

I would like to honor my Grandfather's and cousin who served this country. My mom's dad was a cook in World War 2 and served in the Army. Hey, soldiers need to eat too! I never knew him so I dont know much about his service except what Learned from My Grandfather Benjamin Brown. He was proud of his time in the army as a heavy artillery truck driver. He lost his eyesight in service to our country even if it was just the result of two other soldiers getting in a fight and throwing rocks. Up till his dying day he still talked of his time in the army and even thought he was back in a few days before his death. Then my cousin Jimmy who died almost 20yrs ago in the Persian Gulf at the hand of a Iraqi missile. He gave his life so long ago for a battle that rages on today. He was proud of his service in the Navy and gave his life for our country. Thanks to them and many others I am free!

Summertime

I am looking forward to the summer with excitement and angst. How could that be? you ask. Looking forward to seeing friends I dont see during the school yr. and having fun with the kids. BUT the sale of my grandparents house looms large over the summer. You say "It's just a house?" no it isnt. It is the only home I have ever known really. When my parents divorced when I was 13 we spent every visitation with my dad there. Long before that my family had a habit of spending Fri- TGIF watching ABC and having pizza, Sat- swim days and Sun- swimming and more fun. My parents never really owned a home once I was past 5 and so the only places I had were my grandparents house. It was my safe haven and the place in my heart I call home. I know why the house has to be sold and am not against that in any way. It is going to be like another death in the family really truthfully. So I feel the waiting again the waiting for something to happen and know it's coming. I am looking forward to getting together and having a last slumber party and shindig before it's gone. We had lot's of those and my family is famous for them. We had carte blanche when we were kids there was pretty much nothing we couldnt do. Only one time did I move my Grandma's table and roll up the rug to make a skating rink for the younger kids. Yeah, that pretty much pissed her off and made her mad at us. It was my idea! We swam the summer away in the pool and were all good swimmers SOME OF US better than others mainly the two of us J names. Our friends could come. We would have parties there mainly always a birthday party and back to school parties. Can a house be more than just a building? yes, the building eventually gets rebuilt, woven and painted with memories. It will be sad but I cant wait for it to be over. I want to get out of grieving and back to life. Even though each day get's better and overall I have been better and better. Just some thoughts deep from within my heart.

life

We are in the drugstore the other day getting a prescription and I am waiting in line and Elizabeth starts up with her bad habit again. She likes to stand in the checkout and fix the displays. Mostly it is the gum displays but this time it was the chapstick display. She is really good at in but people look at me like I am nuts when I tell her time to go and that she can stop organizing the displays. I repotted the plant I brought home from Grandpa's funeral and when I got in the basket I found 4 plants. I found it so appropriate because all four of my grandparents were friends and now I have one in memory of each. Strange things are often the most comforting.

Conner,swimming and random musings

So the other day we took the kids swimming and discovered that Conner really is not a swimmer. He has taken some lessons but I just dont think it's a natural thing. He was in a shallow pool and at the 4 foot section and he would not move away from the wall. Then he would start to swim and stand up and walk he was more walking than swimming. Even though I am a swimmer and a pretty good one at that I dont know how to help him. I try to help him but end up laughing so hard that I can't.......Elizabeth is more a natural at this and is doing well........................I am trying to get in a trip to So.cal this summer to swim in the pool at grandpa and grandma's one last time before they sell the house. I am dreading this because it will be like another death in itself and very sad.............................The dog has fleas for the first time and it is driving me nuts.............Do you ever have people that talk to you and only call when they want things and then when you cant deliver they stop talking to you because you said no. A big pet peeve of mine and trying to come to terms with this behavior from other people.......Going camping and excited about that.......Getting off the computer for once in my life......

It is officially hot and not going away! today was a busy day. I went to a seminar on de-cluttering and home managing. Yes, folks I am a home manager and do a pretty good job I think but thought I could use some continuing education in the field. Anyways after that came home and went to a baptism party and then on the way home had a very bad blowout. I was able to keep control of the car and make it safely to a parking lot. I pay for roadside through my phone company and it worked. All is well but man is it hot and I am exhausted.

I am so disappointed

Ok! Warning you will know how stupid I can be when you read this blog!

You might hate it so you can stop reading now! I just need to vent only if it is to myself.

I have been watching 7th heaven since Conner was a baby so since 1997 as I have stated it is my guilty tv pleasure. Now that said as formentioned you may want to back out now. I am so sad that it is over and pardon my french the finally episode SUCKED! as if they hadn't already jumped the shark and then taken them off the air. I know it is expensive hence despite high ratings they took it off the air. So in order to save money they kept a 10 yr show in a 1hr slot. So they hastily tied up these loose ends and then didnt answer alot of questions and on top of that had to make it even cheesier than it was already. I know watching the show is an insult to ones intelligence already but come on don't treat people as such morons to think we would believe all of their children could become parents of twins at one time.OH! I am so dissapointed!!!!!

My husband is driving me nuts

Marty is driving me nuts about going to the dentist!!! I amde him an appointment and now he is complaining about it. He hates the dentist( who doesnt) and is anxious over going. I found a really great dentist with great pain control methods and still. He wants to be knocked out and go. Then he says if they hurt him or he needs work he is going to schedule it for the dates of our cruise. He says " you laugh at me now but you wait until you try to get me into the car tomorrow." I am laughing hysterically. He is going!! Pray for me please! Pray for him!

He survived~Ok, I survived

The dentist is over and who came home in pain? me. Anyways we will officially be broke by the time our work is done and will have nice teeth.......... Ok so while I was out doing this I saw two grown men with their boxers showing and pants below that.Why must we see their underwear!!!!!!! This drives me nuts I just want to scream when I see this................

Pondering

Well it is a gray spring day but still spring. Life is picking up and moving on and that is good. Bad days have turned into better days. I am still pondering things from that such as my dad's reaction to his parents death which is at best confusing. Making bad relationships within the family better. What becomes of our relationships is a place only faith can take you. I have hope and peace that it will be good. Sometimes it is hard to understand why someone you have done so much for and taken care of walks away from that relationship. Nothing bad has happened you have done nothing wrong yet the person just doesnt seem to care. It is a heartbreak but really in the end all that matters is my relationships with my husband and kids and that is wonderful and the joys of new relationships in the family and old ones healing. I love having a great relationship with them and am so thankful that the past is past and future is bright.

proof for lots of things

Preface I am a known anglophile, nerd


Ok. finally I will not depress you. So I have used another side of my brain Jill during this time. When my mom had surgery I took Pride and Prejudice to read. never read it before and never knowingly saw any movie about it. I had watched Bridget Jones une and duex but never knew they were based on that book. So I read the book and fell in love with it. So I rented the BBC version at the end of my stay and watched it with my mom. Then after 2 weeks of trying watched the New version and liked it. Not sure which one I like better yet I rent a modern day version that is made by mormons. Then I rented Bride and Predjudice made by the same lady who made Bend it Like Beckham one of my favorite guilty pleasures. I really liked it set in India and was really good. So now I have bought another two versions off Ebay to see once and for all what is the best version. I know and you know if you really know me YES< I am nuts!!! Marty told me I have a problem*Laughing Hyusterically at myself close to snorting* So I will let you know. See Jill I really am secretly using the other side of my brain.

I can't think of a title

So life is moving on and last week during school Conner informed me he was stressed out about Grandma and Grandpa(or Poppa as they called him) dying. So I decided to take this week off for spring break and relax. It has been nice and busy,busy everyday. Seeing alot of friends who teach or have kids in school that we never get to see has been fun all around. Last night, Elizabeth came down with a reader that I have been trying to get her to read and starts just reading it to me. This after she cried through five words of it last week. So we called her grandma and read to her and then she looks at me and says" I wish I could call Poppa and read to him. He would be so proud of me." Knife in heart and the semi scab has been ripped off again! So we called her Grandpa to read to him and she says to him" I wish Grandma and Grandpa could hear me read they would like that." Salt in the wound and I hear his scab rip open. That is alot coming from her because she never shows emotion or feeling about things like that( She isnt like anyone in the family is she:) I wont mention names here insert your own) Anyways, life goes on and on but the healing is day by day. Trying to figure it out............................

Life goes on

Or does it? I know it does but at this moment, I think the grief is starting to happen. I went down for the funeral and it was really nice. At first it was surreal because it seemed just like Grandma's and I kept thinking did this really happen? is this real? I knew it was but I couldnt get my head around it. Then at the burial they found out the urns wouldnt fit together in the niche they bought and this really disturbing scene took place of the guy trying to fit them in togethter while juggling the urns. Now I know Grandma and Grandpa arent in those urns,just their remains but still very weird. Then we went back to the house and it was like the same as last time. Then Jen our friend who is Irish got out her guitar and sang and we sang it just made the whole thing so wonderful. Grandpa loved to sing and it really made it so special and different for him. Then the fun began and boy did we have fun! We got a family picture as the family is now and only two people were missing. Now we will have to start life after death and process what really just happened. I stayed at their house one night at it was hard. When you walk up to the house you first think OK, their in there. Then you walk in and their not, I found myself wanting to scream at one point when it was just Elizabeth and I in the house. I wanted to yell "Grandma, Gramps you here?" but I knew they werent there any more. I couldnt sit still I just kept wandering around like I was looking for something and couldn't find it.  I figured out later the "it" was them and they were gone. The house just permeates with them everything is about them and the memories just are everywhere. I will be sad when the house is gone and we cant go there anymore. It was a place of solice for everyone where for one minute life was great and time stopped.
So much to say and so hard to get it all out.......

Peace and Sadness

Grandpa died today two months exactly to the day that Grandma died. He went to be with his girl and that is all he wanted. I am so happy to have had such wonderful grandparents and the chance to say those things to them and to say goodbye. But now we are on our own as a family and life will never be the same. Peace to you grandpa I am happy you are with your girl now. I will miss you always, Julie

YEAH!!!Cheer!!!Cheer!!!

I have been married 10 yrs today. I can't believe that time has gone by so fast and that it is already here and we have survived. It actually has been pretty easy and fun. I love you Marty more than ever! Happy 10th Anniversary!

Groundhog day

I was so looking forward to 2006. 10 yrs of marriage and turning 30 was a exciting prospect for me. Then before the year even started it turned into a bad year before it began. Ok,with that said life lately has been one day repeating itself over and over. I kept saying it has only been a month since Grandma got sick and it has been three months now. Then I keep saying it has only been a month since she died and it has almost been two. I went to see Grandpa when I got into town last week and he said," I havent seen you in six weeks" I replied, " No, it's only been four" then it hit me he was right. So anyways my mom had surgery last week so I went to good ol' Whittier to take care of her and it went well. Then my dad had to go the hospital because he wasnt feeling well and is probably on his way to heart attack number two. Then Grandpa went back to ICU and then they decided to bring him home on hospice. I know what your thinking... She must be making all this up... I really wish I was and wish this drama weren't reality. I hope I wake up and it has all been a really long dream. With all this vented I must say that I am so fortunate to have had wonderful Grandparents who I spent much time with, the chance to say goodbye to all three of them and to know them well. Before I left to come home, I went to the hospital to see Gramps. I knew, I was going to say goodbye and everytime I say goodbye, it could be forever. He was laying in the hospital bed and looked so peaceful. I went up and ran my hand through his beautiful white hair, he has the most beautiful white hair. He smiled and we chatted for a minute. Brianne made him laugh and was joking with him. As I left, I kissed him on the forehead, told him," Thank you for everything you have done for me." he looked at me, smiled and said, "You're welcome." Authors note* ( he passed away six days after this blog was written, eight weeks to the day that my grandma died.") These truly were my last words to him.

Sometimes things never change

It is hard when you want things to change and you try your hardest and they don't. I know you can't change people and that everyone has a free will. But when you tell someone they are hurting you and they still do what you ask them not to it is hard. Especially when it is family and you want to have things be at least functional and relationships working. When it is a parent doing these things it is even harder to grasp especially being a parent myself. I can't imagine not caring and trying when I have a child that is hurting. Sometimes you just have to keep walking away and build your own life with your own family and make a change for the future. blah,blah,blah, I can't even put my feelings into words and frankly probably should be careful of what I say since this is mostly public. I dont want to cause more drama for myself.

Video killed the radio star

Remember that 80's song??

So we got satellite radio and I am loving it:) there is a station called 1st wave that plays all new wave all the time. But payback has finally happened!

As some of you well know I was a holy terror childl! My parents told me someday I would see!

My first child was a handful and somedays I wondered if I would survive. The next was a handful in a different way but my parents still wonder how I got my sister's child:)

Well, today payback came in a very unsuspecting form. We usually all listen to the same radio station and it is usually KLuv or Kduv. But when we bought the satelitte radio both kids immediately saw that it had a radio Disney channel. Now that is all the want to listen to all the time:) Now giving up TV has not been hard for me and they watch Disney channel every chance they get. BUT the radio and my music OH, the humanity!

Radio Disney is teenie bop at it's best. Pre=packaged pop goodness all singing remakes of some song.

As I was pondering this I thought of my mom who listened to Kevin and Bean every morning while driving me to school. All those years of listening to KROQ and Morrissey and The Cure and the Smiths. I am sure she wanted to be listening to the KOST the whole time! Then I thought of my Dad and his loving gesture of taking me to New Kids and sitting through the concert with thousands of screaming girls and how he listened to KISS fm with me during that time.

Payback has happened and my kids are getting older! The sacrifices are getting harder but it is worth it to see them enjoying something they love.

Faith is going where our eyes can't see

Right now this is how I am living. Had a funny dream about my Grandma last night and was laughing about it all day. I heard a missionary speak at church and he said something that really resonated with me. Dont say yo-yo prayers. Meaning dont say a prayer or pray about something and then yank it back and take it back. Give it over and leave it there. I think in some ways I have been doing this lately by saying prayers and then taking them back. Worrying about my mom,dad,grandpa and this other situation. I lay all these things down right now and i am not picking them up again. Gonna walk by faith.

Ramblings

I love to talk and could ramble on forever. I just sent of a random rambling message and feel the need to continue. I have a center in my life and I know Jesus is that center for me. He is a constant in my life and Marty and the kids are part of that. Right at this moment I feel as if we are in the middle of a tornado standing still. Alot of things are going on around me My Grandma is gone, My Grandpa has taken a bed in ICU right next to the one grandma was in and only God truly knows what will happen with him. I am still trying to drag my Dad to the doctor and my mom has to have surgery probably to remove a tumor in her salivary gland. So many of the people I love are struggling right now. I feel at peace about all these things but see them swirling and know I can 't control any of it. Waiting is hard......I continue to want to take the hard road and not fall apart and continue to grow in God.... I am so glad that I moved away from my family and found my own way. Even though it was hard and it changed my relationship to them for a long time I am glad I did it because I know I wouldnt be doing well during all of this and I would be falling apart and taking my family with me. I am so happy that I can say that I have been not doing that..... God is a constant even though we feel that the world around us is crumbling.......

funny things about me

Did you know I can fix a garbage disposal and am pretty handy at vaccuum repair also.......Why is that? because I am really bad with both things and was forced to learn how to fix them. Even though this round the vaccuum won out and at least its under warranty for a few more months...

Trying to ,need to

Trying to get back to normal without feeling like something bad is going to happen. Maybe it's just walking by faith and trusting that everything will happen in it's time. need to clean,need to work, need to organize everything back into it's place. Need to need to need to. I have taken a month off and now I need to see I said it again. Well, "The Sun will come out tomorrow, clear away the cobwebs and the sorrow's there will be sun. Tomorrow, Tomorrow is only a day a way."

I can't think of a appropriate title

Well... It is finished Grandma has been gone a week now. It was hard going to her house and her not being there. She was the life of the house and even harder after the funeral a billion people being there and her not. It was hard going and trying to keep it together. Seeing grandpa cry was the worst most heartbraking part of it all. I think I have had my fill of Whittier for a while though and am wanting to start putting the pieces back together from the rubble. Really the rubble has more to do with my messy house and cleaning that up. I am hoping for some normalcy but am unsure if that will last long for several reasons but I am praying and that's all I can do!!!!!!! I walk by faith not by sight.. just a side note last night when I got home I thought "oh, I should call Grandma to tell her I am home." Then I remember she is gone...... I miss you Grandma and always will.

It's thy will not my will

I know that I have been less than positive lately and some of you might wonder about me. I know God is sovereign and in control and I know that life doesnt go the way we always want it to go. I know that I am learning and growing through these times and have had a few days of letting go slowly but surely. Not that I want to let go but I know I need to let go for me and all around me. I surrender my life to God long ago and now is the time to lean on him not wrestle with him. Hopefully once I knock this cold I will be in tip top shape again.

Can I have a nervous breakdown now

Well let me fill you in: I am home now from my extended stay down south. Got there and helped watch out for Grandpa so everyone else could work alittle. Had good news about Grandma and she came of the vent. Saw her and she was laughing and joking. The next day went to see her with Grandpa and then they told my aunts she would never recover. They made plans to get her home so she could be there and be comfortable. Grandpa was so happy to have her home he shaved and put on aftershave. Got her home and had this great talk with my Grandpa about life and needing to take care of my own family. I felt selfish to Marty and the kids so I came home and then was home 1 night got up this morning and Grandpa is now in the hospital with Pnuemonia on top of his Emphysema. This is all on top of my Dad having a weak heart, My best friend having a heart attack and my other best friend telling me her heart is not good, and my uncle having colon cancer. Anymore I think I will explode. I think I need to join the gym and let off some of the stress. I know God spoke to my heart and told me I had a rough road ahead but this was more than I could have ever imagined. I am growing in God and trusting in him. Romans 11:1 and Psalm 23

Happy New Year 2006

Looking so forward to 2006. 2005 was good until the end that kinda sucked. I am happy for 2006 because Marty and I will be 30 and celebrate 10yrs of being married. We are going to take two big trips and hopefully will continue to settle in with this new job. There is only one thing I can say I am really worried about this year but it is a fact of life....Cant wait to see where God takes me this year.